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Old 12th December 2009, 12:15 PM
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Robertisaacs Robertisaacs is offline
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Default Ways to Succeed in Biomechanics

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So, you've been doing biomechanics for a while, but you're unhappy with your career!

Stuck in a rut?

Can't see a direction?

Too greedy to just take a steady income but but can't be arsed to actually do proper work?

Lack the imagination to make a breakthrough?

Well have no fear, because after literally 20 minutes of hard study I can now offer my

PERSONNAL IMPROVEMENT STARTER SCHEME

Its simple. Choose the career path which suits you best and send me 20,000 and I will send you the Sequential Career Advancement Manual. In no time at all you'll be raking in money had over fist and have Cameron Diaz as a personal assistant!

The Loreal approach.


Because you're worth it! If you have sufficient self belief, simply charge upwards of 1500 for your orthotics. Remember there is one born every minute so take out a buncha high price adverts, get yourself a spangly clinic, Slag off everyone else who is providing the same devices for a quarter the price and off you go!

And for added benefits, just spend all the money, and put the company into liquidation thus distancing yourself from all those pesky patients who want their money back. You could always start up again just up the road after a nice long holiday!

But if that one does not carry enough prestige then try....

The "retro" approach

Inventing new ideas and techniques is such a bore. Lots of clever people have invented stuff which now never gets used. These inventions have been superceeded and thus most podiatrists (especially the new ones) will not recognise them! Drag them out the dustbin, paint over the scabby bits, give it an exciting new name, and launch it on the market. In no time at all you'll have a following of gullible podiatrists who have not kept up with current events! Make a mint on the lecture circuit and bask in the admiration of your peers! And if you can patent your "new" method then so much the better!!

But this requires a bit of sales ability. If you lack the charisma why not try...

The "alchemy" approach

Yes it really works. Come up with an idea. It does not need to be good, or even plausible. Design an insole which makes no rational sense whatsoever. Then you turn it to gold by claiming it cures EVERYTHING!!! Seriously, don't let yourself be limited by the bounds of knowledge or logic! And especially don't shy from claiming cures for really serious problems, after all desperate people will part with money for ANYTHING right?

What's that you say? Not enough money for you?

The ADVANCED alchemy approach

So you've made your fortune claiming to cure every disease in the dictionary. Why not push it to the next level! Mediocre podiatrists are as desperate to find treatments which work as their patients are to find cures! Come up with an appropriately long winded and expensive course and start a franchise! You'll have it all, fame, fortune and a following of desparate podiatrists who think they can't understand what you say because its SO clever (as opposed to because you just make up phrases which sound plausible together in random order).

Don't think you've got the minerals to pull that one off? Try...

The "simplification" approach

Lets face it, biomechanics is a bore. All that training, all that physics, who wants it? Podiatrists face a constant battle between their desire to be good podiatrists and the natural laziness which has plagued you your whole life. So give them an out! Work out a nicely simplified system based on one or two measurements and make out its all anyone needs to learn! Patent it and take it to market!

Aha, I hear you cry, surely people will see that this is a retrograde step and that it involved unlearning all they've learned. Well never fear, my Sequential Career Advancement Manual has the answer. Find a theory which was great in its day but has been superseded, and rip it to shreds! In spite of the fact that it is completely irrelevant to YOUR paradigm, you'll look ACE by comparison!

But if you're less greedy perhaps you'd be better with...

The Nostradamus approach.


Yes, you can tell the future. Find a nuggett of science which looks like it might go somewhere. Then PRETEND YOU FULLY UNDERSTAND IT!!! Nobody will argue because most people will have only heard of this stuff in passing. The few people who DO know about it will only be able to splutter about how nobody really knows how it works and that there's no evidence and that just makes you look even cooler for claiming you DO or HAVE. Make a broad sweeping claim about what some insole does. Try to make it as esoteric as possible including lost of words like "neuro", "macro", "Kinesthetic" and of course "proprioception". Not the most lucrative method here but for sure it will will gain you a following.

Or if you'd be too worried about being busted later perhaps you need the last of my Sequential Career Advancement Manuals,

The Equipment Junkie.

Get a piece of techno kit. For preference it should have pretty sciency pictures and knobs and whistles and stuff. Get to know it, then CLAIM EVERYONE NEEDS ONE. Don't worry that everyone has got on fine for years without one, they need one NOW. And the punters will be SO impressed with it, they'll form queues to have a 12,000 machine tell them what a decent clinician could tell them just by looking at them. Get a contract with the people who make the machines for the REALLY big money.


So send your money NOW for your Sequential Career Advancement Manual! And look out for the new one coming out in the new year wherin I charge you that price just to teach YOU how to charge OTHER people that price!!!!

Please send Cheques to

Robert Isaacs
Banko de Swiss
Switzerland

Terms and conditions apply. Results may vary. Cameron Diaz may NOT come to be your PA. The author explicitly denies all liability for any damage to reputation occasioned by this Sequential Career Advancement Manual. Whilst these may have worked in the past they are all based on previous success this may NOT be predictive of future performance.
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Robert Isaacs
Specialist in Biomechanical Therapies

small, yellow, leech-like, and probably the oddest thing in the universe

Semper in excretum sum sed alta variat

The opinions expressed are those of the author.
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