Home Forums Marketplace Table of Contents Events Member List Site Map Register Mark Forums Read



Welcome to the Podiatry Arena forums, for communication between foot health professionals about podiatry and related topics.

You are currently viewing our podiatry forum as a guest which gives you limited access to view all podiatry discussions and access our other features. By joining our free global community of Podiatrists and other interested foot health care professionals you will have access to post podiatry topics (answer and ask questions), communicate privately with other members (PM), upload content, view attachments, receive a weekly email update of new discussions, earn CPD points and access many other special features. Registered users do not get displayed the advertisments in posted messages. Registration is fast, simple and absolutely free so please, join our global Podiatry community today!

If you have any problems with the registration process or your account login, please contact contact us.


Tags:

Jokes

Reply
Submit Thread >  Submit to Digg Submit to Reddit Submit to Furl Submit to Del.icio.us Submit to Google Submit to Yahoo! This Submit to Technorati Submit to StumbleUpon Submit to Spurl Submit to Netscape  < Submit Thread
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #481  
Old 20th January 2012, 11:50 AM
DTT's Avatar
DTT DTT is offline
Podiatry Arena Veteran
 
About:
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: Beddington UK
Posts: 1,687
Join Date: Oct 2004
Marketplace reputation 0% (0)
Thanks: 365
Thanked 270 Times in 199 Posts
Default Re: Jokes

Podiatry Arena members do not see these ads
Man who wants pretty nurse must be patient. > >

Passionate kiss, like spider web, leads to undoing of fly. > >

Better to be *
piss**d off than piss**d on. > >

Lady who goes camping must beware of evil intent. > >

Squirrel who runs up woman's leg will not find nuts. > >

Man who leaps off cliff jumps to conclusion. > >

Man who runs in front of car gets tired, man who runs behind car gets exhausted. > >

Man who eats many prunes get good run for money. > >

War does not determine who is right, it determines who is left. > >

Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night. > >

It takes many nails to build a crib, but one screw to fill it. > >

Man who drives like hell is bound to get there. > >

Man who stands on toilet is high on pot. > >

Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement. > >

Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs. > >

Finally CONFUCIUS SAY. . . > >"

A lion will not cheat on his wife, but a Tiger Wood!" > >

Cheers
D
__________________
My location

http://www.surreyfootcare.co.uk

"Political Correctness" is a doctrine, fostered by a delusional, illogical minority, and rabidly promoted by an unscrupulous mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it is entirely possible to pick up a turd by the clean end
Reply With Quote
Sponsored Links
  #482  
Old 20th January 2012, 02:56 PM
Robertisaacs's Avatar
Robertisaacs Robertisaacs is offline
Podiatry Arena Veteran
 
About:
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Kent
Posts: 4,285
Join Date: May 2006
Marketplace reputation 0% (0)
Thanks: 454
Thanked 897 Times in 523 Posts
Default Re: Jokes

Three Muslim Guys convicted for hate crimes against homosexuals. Might even go to prison.

Good luck in the showers lads!
__________________
Robert Isaacs
Specialist in Biomechanical Therapies

small, yellow, leech-like, and probably the oddest thing in the universe

Semper in excretum sum sed alta variat

The opinions expressed are those of the author.
Reply With Quote
The Following User Says Thank You to Robertisaacs For This Useful Post:
twirly (20th January 2012)
  #483  
Old 24th January 2012, 08:30 AM
DTT's Avatar
DTT DTT is offline
Podiatry Arena Veteran
 
About:
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: Beddington UK
Posts: 1,687
Join Date: Oct 2004
Marketplace reputation 0% (0)
Thanks: 365
Thanked 270 Times in 199 Posts
Default Re: Jokes

A little girl asked her Mom, "How did the human race appear?"
The Mom answered, "God made Adam and Eve and they had children,
And so was all mankind made.."



Two days later the girl asked her Dad the same question.
The Dad answered,
"Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved."

The confused girl returned to her mother and said,
"Mom, how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God,
And Dad said they developed from monkeys?"
The mother answered,
"Well, Dear, it's very simple. I told you about my side of the family
And your father told you about his.."

Cheers
D
__________________
My location

http://www.surreyfootcare.co.uk

"Political Correctness" is a doctrine, fostered by a delusional, illogical minority, and rabidly promoted by an unscrupulous mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it is entirely possible to pick up a turd by the clean end
Reply With Quote
  #484  
Old 26th January 2012, 10:28 AM
DTT's Avatar
DTT DTT is offline
Podiatry Arena Veteran
 
About:
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: Beddington UK
Posts: 1,687
Join Date: Oct 2004
Marketplace reputation 0% (0)
Thanks: 365
Thanked 270 Times in 199 Posts
Default Re: Jokes

> Two old friends were just about to tee off at the first hole of their local
> golf course when a guy carrying a golf bag called
>
> out to them, 'Do you mind if I join you? My partner didn't turn up.'
>
> 'Sure,' they said, 'You're
> welcome.' So they started playing and enjoyed the game and the company of
> the newcomer.
>
> Part way around the course, one of the friends asked the newcomer, 'What do
> you do for a living?'
>
> 'I'm a hit man,' was the reply.
>
> 'You're joking!' was the response.
>
> 'No, I'm not,' he said, reaching into his golf bag and pulling out a
> beautiful Martini sniper's rifle with a large telescopic sight. 'Here are my
> tools.'
>
> 'That's a beautiful telescopic sight,' said the other friend, 'Can I take a
> look? I think I might be able to see my house from here.' So he picked up
> the rifle and looked through the sight in the direction of his house.
>
> 'Yeah, I can see my house all right. This sight is fantastic. I can see
> right in the window. Wow, I can see my wife in
> the bedroom . . .Ha Ha, I can see she's naked!! Wait a minute, that's my
> neighbor in there with her . . .He' s naked, too!!!
>
>
> He turned to the hit man, 'How much do you charge for a hit?'
>
>
> 'I'll do a flat rate, for you, one thousand dollars every time I pull the
> trigger.'
>
>
> 'Can you do two for me now?'
>
>
> 'Sure, what do you want?'
>
>
> 'First, shoot my wife. She's always been mouthy, so shoot her in the
> mouth.'
>
>
> 'Then the neighbor, he's a friend of mine, so just shoot his dick off to
> teach him a lesson.'
>
>
> The hit man took the
> rifle and took aim, standing perfectly still for a few minutes.
>
>
> 'Are you going to do it or not?' said the friend impatiently.
>
>
> 'Just be patient,' said the hit man calmly, 'I think I can save you a grand
> here . . .'
>
Cheers
D
__________________
My location

http://www.surreyfootcare.co.uk

"Political Correctness" is a doctrine, fostered by a delusional, illogical minority, and rabidly promoted by an unscrupulous mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it is entirely possible to pick up a turd by the clean end
Reply With Quote
  #485  
Old 28th January 2012, 05:14 AM
DTT's Avatar
DTT DTT is offline
Podiatry Arena Veteran
 
About:
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: Beddington UK
Posts: 1,687
Join Date: Oct 2004
Marketplace reputation 0% (0)
Thanks: 365
Thanked 270 Times in 199 Posts
Default Re: Jokes

One for Simon Perhaps ????

Golf Poem

In My Hand I Hold A Ball,
White And Dimpled, And Rather Small.
Oh, How Bland It Does Appear,
This Harmless Looking Little Sphere.

By Its Size I Could Not Guess
The Awesome Strength It Does Possess. But Since I Fell Beneath Its Spell, I've Wandered Through The Fires Of Hell.

My Life Has Not Been Quite The Same
Since I Chose To Play This Stupid Game. It Rules My Mind For Hours On End; A Fortune It Has Made Me Spend.

It Has Made Me Curse And Made Me Cry, And Hate Myself And Want To Die.
It Promises Me A Thing Called Par, If I Hit It Straight And Far.

To Master Such A Tiny Ball,
Should Not Be Very Hard At All.
But My Desires The Ball Refuses,
And Does Exactly As It Chooses.

It Hooks And Slices, Dribbles And Dies,
And Disappears Before My Eyes.
Often It Will Have A Whim,
To Hit A Tree Or Take A Swim.

With Miles Of Grass On Which To Land, It Finds A Tiny Patch Of Sand.
Then Has Me Offering Up My Soul,
If Only It Would Find The Hole.

It's Made Me Whimper Like A Pup,
And Swear That I Will Give It Up.
And Take To Drink To Ease My Sorrow,
But The Ball Knows ... I'll Be Back Tomorrow.

Stand proud you noble swingers of clubs and losers of balls!

A recent study found that the average golfer walks about 900 miles a year.

Another study found that golfers drink, on average, 22 gallons of alcohol a year.

This means that, on average, golfers get about 41 miles to the gallon!

Kind of makes you proud. Almost makes you feel like a hybrid. . .
___

Cheers
D
__________________
My location

http://www.surreyfootcare.co.uk

"Political Correctness" is a doctrine, fostered by a delusional, illogical minority, and rabidly promoted by an unscrupulous mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it is entirely possible to pick up a turd by the clean end
Reply With Quote
  #486  
Old 2nd February 2012, 04:18 AM
DTT's Avatar
DTT DTT is offline
Podiatry Arena Veteran
 
About:
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: Beddington UK
Posts: 1,687
Join Date: Oct 2004
Marketplace reputation 0% (0)
Thanks: 365
Thanked 270 Times in 199 Posts
Default Re: Jokes

Subject: Fw: the barbershop


> An old man walks into the barbershop for a shave and a haircut, But
> tells the barber he can't get all his whiskers off because his cheeks
> are too wrinkled from age.
>
> The barber gets a little wooden ball from a cup on the shelf and tells
> him to put it in his mouth and inside his cheek to spread out the skin..
>
> When he's finished, the old man tells the barber that was the cleanest
> shave he's had in years, but he wanted to know what would have
> happened if he had swallowed that little ball.
>
> The barber replied: "Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does"
>
> Think about it, think about it .................
>
Cheers
D
__________________
My location

http://www.surreyfootcare.co.uk

"Political Correctness" is a doctrine, fostered by a delusional, illogical minority, and rabidly promoted by an unscrupulous mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it is entirely possible to pick up a turd by the clean end
Reply With Quote
  #487  
Old 6th February 2012, 12:33 PM
DTT's Avatar
DTT DTT is offline
Podiatry Arena Veteran
 
About:
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: Beddington UK
Posts: 1,687
Join Date: Oct 2004
Marketplace reputation 0% (0)
Thanks: 365
Thanked 270 Times in 199 Posts
Default Re: Jokes

German guy approaches a lady of the night.

'I vish to buy sex viz you.'

'OK,' says the girl, 'I'll charge £20 an hour.'

'..ist goot, but I must varn you, I am a little kinky.'

'No problem,' she replies cautiously, 'I can do little kinky.'

So off they go to the girl's flat, where the German produces four large bedsprings and a duck caller.

'I vant zat you tie ze springs to each of your hans und knees.'

The girl finds this most odd, but complies, fastening the springs as he had said, to her hands and knees.

'Now you vill get on your hans und knees.'

She duly does this, balancing precariously on the springs.

'You vill please to blow zis kwacker as I make love to you.'

She finds it odd, but figures it's harmless (and the guy is paying.)
She finds the sex is fantastic, as she is bounced all over the room by the energetic German, all the time honking on the duck caller.
The climax is the most sensational that she has ever experienced and it is several minutes before she has enough breath to say,

'That was totally amazing, what do you call that position?'










'Ah,' says the German . . 'zat is ze.... Four-sprung Duck technique'

Sorry
Cheers
D
__________________
My location

http://www.surreyfootcare.co.uk

"Political Correctness" is a doctrine, fostered by a delusional, illogical minority, and rabidly promoted by an unscrupulous mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it is entirely possible to pick up a turd by the clean end

Last edited by DTT : 6th February 2012 at 12:35 PM. Reason: Deleteing emil addy from sender
Reply With Quote
  #488  
Old 12th February 2012, 07:28 AM
Robertisaacs's Avatar
Robertisaacs Robertisaacs is offline
Podiatry Arena Veteran
 
About:
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Kent
Posts: 4,285
Join Date: May 2006
Marketplace reputation 0% (0)
Thanks: 454
Thanked 897 Times in 523 Posts
Default Re: Jokes

I recently did a case series investigating what Gait pattern people adopted after drinking 4 pints of beer.

The results were staggering.
__________________
Robert Isaacs
Specialist in Biomechanical Therapies

small, yellow, leech-like, and probably the oddest thing in the universe

Semper in excretum sum sed alta variat

The opinions expressed are those of the author.
Reply With Quote
  #489  
Old 14th February 2012, 06:02 AM
Robertisaacs's Avatar
Robertisaacs Robertisaacs is offline
Podiatry Arena Veteran
 
About:
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Kent
Posts: 4,285
Join Date: May 2006
Marketplace reputation 0% (0)
Thanks: 454
Thanked 897 Times in 523 Posts
Default Re: Jokes

Confucious he say...

Man who eat family photo, spitting image of his parents.
__________________
Robert Isaacs
Specialist in Biomechanical Therapies

small, yellow, leech-like, and probably the oddest thing in the universe

Semper in excretum sum sed alta variat

The opinions expressed are those of the author.
Reply With Quote
  #490  
Old 14th February 2012, 07:01 AM
DTT's Avatar
DTT DTT is offline
Podiatry Arena Veteran
 
About:
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: Beddington UK
Posts: 1,687
Join Date: Oct 2004
Marketplace reputation 0% (0)
Thanks: 365
Thanked 270 Times in 199 Posts
Default Re: Jokes

After being married for thirty years, a wife asked her husband to describe her.

He looked at her for a while ... then said, "You're A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K."

She asks ... "What does that mean?"

He said, "Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Foxy, Gorgeous, Hot.

She smiled happily and said ... "Oh, that's so lovely ... What about I, J, K?"

He said, "I'm Just Kidding!"

The swelling in his eye is going down and the doctor is fairly optimistic about saving his testicles.

Cheers
D
__________________
My location

http://www.surreyfootcare.co.uk

"Political Correctness" is a doctrine, fostered by a delusional, illogical minority, and rabidly promoted by an unscrupulous mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it is entirely possible to pick up a turd by the clean end
Reply With Quote
  #491  
Old 15th February 2012, 11:10 AM
DTT's Avatar
DTT DTT is offline
Podiatry Arena Veteran
 
About:
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: Beddington UK
Posts: 1,687
Join Date: Oct 2004
Marketplace reputation 0% (0)
Thanks: 365
Thanked 270 Times in 199 Posts
Default Re: Jokes

This is something to think about when negative people are doing their best to rain on your parade.
So remember this story the next time someone who knows nothing and cares less tries to make your life miserable.

A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded:

" Rome ? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty.. You're crazy to go to Rome . So, how are you getting there?"

"We're taking BA," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"

"BA?" exclaimed the hairdresser." That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome ?"

"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome 's Tiber River called Teste."

"Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks its gonna be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump."

"We're going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope."

"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant.

Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."

A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome

"It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one of BA's brand new planes, but it was overbooked, and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot.

And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a £5 million remodelling job, and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!"

"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I bet you didn't get to see the Pope."

"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me.

Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me."

"Oh, really! What'd he say ?"


He said: "Who the F**K did your hair?"


Cheers
D
__________________
My location

http://www.surreyfootcare.co.uk

"Political Correctness" is a doctrine, fostered by a delusional, illogical minority, and rabidly promoted by an unscrupulous mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it is entirely possible to pick up a turd by the clean end
Reply With Quote
  #492  
Old 15th February 2012, 11:12 AM
DTT's Avatar
DTT DTT is offline
Podiatry Arena Veteran
 
About:
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: Beddington UK
Posts: 1,687
Join Date: Oct 2004
Marketplace reputation 0% (0)
Thanks: 365
Thanked 270 Times in 199 Posts
Default Re: Jokes

'Whatever you give a woman, she will make greater.
If you give her sperm, she'll give you a baby.
If you give her a house, she'll give you a home.
If you give her groceries, she'll give you a meal.
If you give her a smile, she'll give you her heart.

She multiplies and enlarges what is given to her.
So, if you give her any crap, be ready to receive a ton of SH*T.'


Women are Angels.
And when someone breaks our wings,
We simply continue to fly...usually on a broomstick.
We are flexible like that .




Cheers
D
__________________
My location

http://www.surreyfootcare.co.uk

"Political Correctness" is a doctrine, fostered by a delusional, illogical minority, and rabidly promoted by an unscrupulous mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it is entirely possible to pick up a turd by the clean end
Reply With Quote
  #493  
Old 21st February 2012, 03:21 AM
DTT's Avatar
DTT DTT is offline
Podiatry Arena Veteran
 
About:
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: Beddington UK
Posts: 1,687
Join Date: Oct 2004
Marketplace reputation 0% (0)
Thanks: 365
Thanked 270 Times in 199 Posts
Default Re: Jokes

Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend to Husband and noticed a distinct slowdown in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewellery applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend.

In addition, Husband uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance and Personal Attention and then installed undesirable programs such as Rugby, Football, Sailing and Continuous TV. Conversation no longer runs, and Housecleaning simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging to fix these problems, but to no avail.

What can I do?

Signed, Desperate


.................................................. .................................................


Dear Desperate,

First keep in mind, Boyfriend is an Entertainment Package, while Husband is an Operating System. Please enter the command: 'http: I Thought You Loved Me.html' and try to download Tears.

Don't forget to install the Guilt update. If that application works as designed, Husband should then automatically run the applications Jewellery and Flowers, but remember - overuse of the above application can cause Husband to default to Grumpy Silence, Garden Shed or Beer. Beer is a very bad program that will download the Snoring Loudly Beta.

Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources). Also, do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband.

In summary, Husband is a great system, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. It also tends to work better running one task at a time. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend Food and Hot Lingerie.

Good Luck,
Tech Support



Cheers
D
__________________
My location

http://www.surreyfootcare.co.uk

"Political Correctness" is a doctrine, fostered by a delusional, illogical minority, and rabidly promoted by an unscrupulous mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it is entirely possible to pick up a turd by the clean end
Reply With Quote
  #494  
Old 22nd February 2012, 05:03 AM
DTT's Avatar
DTT DTT is offline
Podiatry Arena Veteran
 
About:
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: Beddington UK
Posts: 1,687
Join Date: Oct 2004
Marketplace reputation 0% (0)
Thanks: 365
Thanked 270 Times in 199 Posts
Default Re: Jokes

My One day of employment



After landing my new job as a B & Q employee - I think they call it a " Greeter ", a good job for many retired old bods, I lasted less than a day ......

About two hours in my first day on the job a very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into the store with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.



As I had been instructed, I said, pleasantly,
"Good morning and welcome to B & Q."

I then said, "Nice children you have there. Are they twins?"

The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, "Hell no, they certainly are not twins. The oldest one's 9, and the other one's 7.
Why would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?"

I replied, "I'm not blind and I'm not stupid,Madam.
I just couldn't believe anyone might have shagged you twice....

So, have a good day and thank you for shopping
at B & Q."


My supervisor said I probably wasn't cut out for this line of work.

Cheers
D
__________________
My location

http://www.surreyfootcare.co.uk

"Political Correctness" is a doctrine, fostered by a delusional, illogical minority, and rabidly promoted by an unscrupulous mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it is entirely possible to pick up a turd by the clean end
Reply With Quote
  #495  
Old 29th February 2012, 09:39 AM
DTT's Avatar
DTT DTT is offline
Podiatry Arena Veteran
 
About:
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: Beddington UK
Posts: 1,687
Join Date: Oct 2004
Marketplace reputation 0% (0)
Thanks: 365
Thanked 270 Times in 199 Posts
Default Re: Jokes

The Darwins are out!
Yes, it's that magical time of year again when the Darwin Awards are bestowed, honoring the least evolved among us.

Here is the glorious winner:

1. When his 38 caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a hold-up in Long Beach, California would-be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked.

And now, the honorable mentions:

2. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat cutting machine and after a little shopping around, submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company expecting negligence sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine and he also lost a finger. The chef's claim was approved.

3. A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her.

4. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies. The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.

5. An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.

6. A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer... $15 , which begs the question: If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, is a crime committed?

7. Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly.. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. The liquor store window was made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape.

8. As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID.
To which he replied, "Yes, officer, that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from."

9. The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan at 5 A.M., flashed a gun, and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast... The man, frustrated, walked away. [*A 5-STAR STUPIDITY AWARD WINNER]

10. When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street by sucking on a hose, he got much more than he bargained for ...... Police arrived at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline, but he plugged his siphon hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had.

In the interest of bettering mankind, please share these with friends and family....unless of course one of these individuals by chance is a distant relative or long lost friend. In that case, be glad they are distant and hope they remain lost.


*** Remember...They walk among us, they reproduce .

Cheers
D
__________________
My location

http://www.surreyfootcare.co.uk

"Political Correctness" is a doctrine, fostered by a delusional, illogical minority, and rabidly promoted by an unscrupulous mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it is entirely possible to pick up a turd by the clean end
Reply With Quote
  #496  
Old 29th February 2012, 09:47 AM
DTT's Avatar
DTT DTT is offline
Podiatry Arena Veteran
 
About:
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: Beddington UK
Posts: 1,687
Join Date: Oct 2004
Marketplace reputation 0% (0)
Thanks: 365
Thanked 270 Times in 199 Posts
Default Re: Jokes

Second Opinion!

The doctor said, 'Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration.

You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles.'

Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.

He saw a men's clothing store and thought, 'That's what I need... A new suit...'

He entered the shop and told the salesman, 'I'd like a new suit..'

The elderly tailor eye d him briefly and said, 'Let's see... Size 44 long.'

Joe laughed, 'That's right, how did you know?'

'Been in the business 60 years!' the tailor said.

Joe tried on the suit it fit perfectly.

As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, 'How about a new shirt?'

Joe thought for a moment and then said, 'Sure.'

The salesman eyed Joe and said, 'Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck.'

Joe was surprised, 'That's right, how did you know?'

'Been in the business 60 years.'

Joe tried on the shirt and it fit perfectly.

Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, 'How about some new underwear?'

Joe thought for a moment and said, 'Sure.'

The salesman said, 'Let's see... Size 36.

Joe laughed, 'Ah ha! I got you! I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old.'

The salesman shook his head, 'You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache.'



Cheers
D
__________________
My location

http://www.surreyfootcare.co.uk

"Political Correctness" is a doctrine, fostered by a delusional, illogical minority, and rabidly promoted by an unscrupulous mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it is entirely possible to pick up a turd by the clean end
Reply With Quote
  #497  
Old 2nd March 2012, 10:16 AM
DTT's Avatar
DTT DTT is offline
Podiatry Arena Veteran
 
About:
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: Beddington UK
Posts: 1,687
Join Date: Oct 2004
Marketplace reputation 0% (0)
Thanks: 365
Thanked 270 Times in 199 Posts
Default Re: Jokes

Subject: GUIDO, THE ITALIAN LOVER


A virile, middle-aged Italian gentleman named Guido was relaxing at his favorite bar in Rome when he managed to attract a spectacular
young blond woman.

Things progressed to the point where he invited her back to his apartment and, after some small talk, they retired to his bedroom
where he rattled her senseless.

After a pleasant interlude he asked with a smile, "So, you finish?" She paused for a second, frowned, and replied, "No."

Surprised, Guido reached for her and the rattling resumed.

This time she thrashed about wildly and there were screams of passion..

The sex finally ends and, again, Guido smiles and asks, "You finish?" Again, after a short pause, she returns his smile, cuddles
closer to him and softly says, "No."

Stunned, but damned if he was going to leave this woman unsatisfied. Guido reaches for the woman yet again. Using the last of his strength, he barely manages it, but they end together screaming, bucking, clawing and ripping the bed sheets.

Exhausted, Guido falls onto his back, gasping..

Barely able to turn his head, he looks into her eyes, smiles proudly and asked again, "You finish?"

Barely able to speak, the beautiful blond whispers in his ear............................................... ........................... "No, I'm Norwegian.

Cheers
D
__________________
My location

http://www.surreyfootcare.co.uk

"Political Correctness" is a doctrine, fostered by a delusional, illogical minority, and rabidly promoted by an unscrupulous mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it is entirely possible to pick up a turd by the clean end
Reply With Quote
  #498  
Old 13th March 2012, 04:44 AM
DTT's Avatar
DTT DTT is offline
Podiatry Arena Veteran
 
About:
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: Beddington UK
Posts: 1,687
Join Date: Oct 2004
Marketplace reputation 0% (0)
Thanks: 365
Thanked 270 Times in 199 Posts
Default Re: Jokes

A woman goes to the Doctor in Glasgow, worried about her husband's temper and threatening manner.
The Doc asks: "What's the problem, Janet?
The woman says: "Well Doctor Cameron, I don’t know what to do. Every time my husband comes home drunk, he threatens to slap me around'."
The Doctor says: "Aye, well... I have a real good cure for that. When your husband arrives home intoxicated, just take a wee glass of water and start
swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don't swallow it until he goes to bed and is sound asleep."
Two weeks later she comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn. She says: "Doctor that was brilliant! Every time my husband came home drunk,
I swished with water. I swished and swished, and he didn’t threaten me even once!
Tell me Doc...what's the secret? How did the water do that?"
The Doctor says: "Janet, it's really no big secret. The water does bugger all - it's keeping your mouth shut that does the trick..."

Cheers
D
__________________
My location

http://www.surreyfootcare.co.uk

"Political Correctness" is a doctrine, fostered by a delusional, illogical minority, and rabidly promoted by an unscrupulous mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it is entirely possible to pick up a turd by the clean end
Reply With Quote
  #499  
Old 14th March 2012, 06:01 AM
DTT's Avatar
DTT DTT is offline
Podiatry Arena Veteran
 
About:
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: Beddington UK
Posts: 1,687
Join Date: Oct 2004
Marketplace reputation 0% (0)
Thanks: 365
Thanked 270 Times in 199 Posts
Default Re: Jokes

An attractive blonde from Cork , Ireland , arrived at the casino. She seemed a little intoxicated and bet twenty thousand dollars in a single roll of the dice.

She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm
completely nude." with that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and with an Irish brogue yelled, "Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!"

As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed. "Yes! Yes! I won, I won!" She hugged each of the dealers, picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed.

The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?" The other answered, "I don't know - I thought you were watching."

MORAL OF THE STORY

Not all Irish are drunks, not all blondes are dumb, ..... but all men...are men!

Cheers
D
__________________
My location

http://www.surreyfootcare.co.uk

"Political Correctness" is a doctrine, fostered by a delusional, illogical minority, and rabidly promoted by an unscrupulous mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it is entirely possible to pick up a turd by the clean end
Reply With Quote
  #500  
Old 28th March 2012, 10:44 AM
DTT's Avatar
DTT DTT is offline
Podiatry Arena Veteran
 
About:
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: Beddington UK
Posts: 1,687
Join Date: Oct 2004
Marketplace reputation 0% (0)
Thanks: 365
Thanked 270 Times in 199 Posts
Default Re: Jokes

A tribute to Frank Carson – some of his one liners.


TheGrim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a Vacuum cleaner.Talk about Dyson with death.

Paddy says "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador." "Really, ..."
says Mick "Have you seen how many of theirowners go blind?"

I woke up last night to find the ghost of Gloria Gaynor standing at the foot ofmy bed. A t first I was afraid...then I was petrified

The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst. SoI have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.

A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid. When Iquizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time.

I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave. A s I wasstanding there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a coffin, 3 hourslater and they're still walking about with it. I thought to myself, they'velost the plot .....

My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to our localpet shop and they were £70! "Blow

this," I thought, "I can get one cheaper off the web."

Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarves are not happy.

I was at a cash point yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could checkher balance, so I pushed her over.

I start a new job in Seoulnext week. I thought it was a good Korea move.

I was driving this morning when I saw an R A C van parked up. The driver wassobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable. I thought to myself,"That guy's heading for a breakdown."

On holiday recently in SpainI saw a sign that said 'English speaking Doctor' - I thought, 'What a goodidea, why don't we have them in our country?'

Cheers
D
__________________
My location

http://www.surreyfootcare.co.uk

"Political Correctness" is a doctrine, fostered by a delusional, illogical minority, and rabidly promoted by an unscrupulous mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it is entirely possible to pick up a turd by the clean end
Reply With Quote
  #501  
Old 3rd April 2012, 08:22 AM
DTT's Avatar
DTT DTT is offline
Podiatry Arena Veteran
 
About:
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: Beddington UK
Posts: 1,687
Join Date: Oct 2004
Marketplace reputation 0% (0)
Thanks: 365
Thanked 270 Times in 199 Posts
Default Re: Jokes

A dog lover, whose dog was a female and in heat, agreed to look after her neighbours' male dog while the neighbours were on vacation. She had a large house and believed that she could keep the two dogs apart. However, as she was drifting off to sleep she heard awful howling and moaning sounds, rushed downstairs and found the dogs locked together, in obvious pain and unable to disengage, as so frequently happens when dogs mate.

Unable to separate them, and perplexed as to what to do next, although it was late, she called the vet, who answered in a very grumpy voice. Having explained the problem to him, the vet said,

"Hang up the phone and place it down alongside the dogs. I will then call you back and the noise of the ringing will make the male lose his erection and he will be able to withdraw."

"Do you think that will work?" she asked.

"It just worked for me," he replied.

Cheers
D
__________________
My location

http://www.surreyfootcare.co.uk

"Political Correctness" is a doctrine, fostered by a delusional, illogical minority, and rabidly promoted by an unscrupulous mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it is entirely possible to pick up a turd by the clean end
Reply With Quote
  #502  
Old 4th April 2012, 02:10 AM
DTT's Avatar
DTT DTT is offline
Podiatry Arena Veteran
 
About:
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: Beddington UK
Posts: 1,687
Join Date: Oct 2004
Marketplace reputation 0% (0)
Thanks: 365
Thanked 270 Times in 199 Posts
Default Re: Jokes

Charlie was installing a new door
And found that one of the hinges was missing.

He asked his wife Mary if she would go
To WICKES DIY and pick up a hinge.

Mary agreed to go.
While she was waiting for the manager to finish serving a customer,
her eye caught a beautiful bathroom tap.

When the manager was finished, Mary asked him, "How much is that Bath Tap?"

The manager replied, "That's a gold plated Bath Tap and the price is £450.00.

Mary exclaimed, "My goodness, that is a very expensive Tap.
It's certainly out of my price bracket."
She then proceeded to describe the hinge that Charlie had sent her to buy.

The manager said that he had them in stock and went into the storeroom to get one.

From the storeroom the manager yelled.
"Ma'am, do you want a screw for the hinge?"

Mary paused for a moment and then shouted back,
"No, but I will for the Bath Tap.

This is why you can't send women to
WICKES.

Cheers
D
__________________
My location

http://www.surreyfootcare.co.uk

"Political Correctness" is a doctrine, fostered by a delusional, illogical minority, and rabidly promoted by an unscrupulous mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it is entirely possible to pick up a turd by the clean end
Reply With Quote
  #503  
Old 4th April 2012, 02:12 AM
DTT's Avatar
DTT DTT is offline
Podiatry Arena Veteran
 
About:
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: Beddington UK
Posts: 1,687
Join Date: Oct 2004
Marketplace reputation 0% (0)
Thanks: 365
Thanked 270 Times in 199 Posts
Default Re: Jokes

A DEA officer stopped at a ranch in Texas , and talked with an old rancher.
He told the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs."
The rancher said, "Okay , but don't go in that field over there.....", as he pointed out the location.

The DEA officer verbally exploded saying, " Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me !"
Reaching into his rear pants pocket, the arrogant officer removed his badge and proudly displayed it to the rancher.
"See this f*****g badge?! This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish.... On any land !! No questions asked or answers given!! Have I made myself clear......do you understand ?!!"
The rancher nodded politely, apologized, and went about his chores.

A short time later, the old rancher heard loud screams, looked up, and saw the DEA officer running for his life, being chased by the rancher's big Santa Gertrudis bull......
With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it seemed likely that he'd sure enough get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified.
The rancher threw down his tools, ran to the fence and yelled at the top of his lungs.....
(I just love this part....)





"Your badge, show him your f*****g BADGE........ ! !"

cheers
D
__________________
My location

http://www.surreyfootcare.co.uk

"Political Correctness" is a doctrine, fostered by a delusional, illogical minority, and rabidly promoted by an unscrupulous mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it is entirely possible to pick up a turd by the clean end
Reply With Quote
  #504  
Old 10th April 2012, 05:47 AM
DTT's Avatar
DTT DTT is offline
Podiatry Arena Veteran
 
About:
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: Beddington UK
Posts: 1,687
Join Date: Oct 2004
Marketplace reputation 0% (0)
Thanks: 365
Thanked 270 Times in 199 Posts
Default Re: Jokes

How tough are Australian men??
The scene is set - a dark night, cold wind blowing, campfire flickering, stars twinkling in the dark sky.Three hang-glider pilots are sitting by the campfire,One from Australia, one from Seth Efrika and one from New Zulland.Each embroiled in the bravado for which they are famous.
The night of tales begins...

Kiven the Kiwi says, 'I must be the meanest, toughest, heng glider there es. Why, jist the other day I linded in a field and scared a crocodeale, who came out of the swamp and ate sux min who were standen close by. I grebbed the crocodeale and wristled him to du ground and killed em with my beer hends'.

Hansie from Seth Efrika (who typically can't stand to be bettered) said, 'Well you guys, I lended orfter a 200 mile flight in my heng glider on a tiny trail, and a Namibian snike slid out from under a rock and made a move on me. I grebbed de borsted with me bare hinds and beet it's head off ind then sucked the poison from it's body down in one gulp. End I'm still here today'.

Colin, the Tough Australian, remained silent, slowly poking the fire with his penis.

Cheers
D
__________________
My location

http://www.surreyfootcare.co.uk

"Political Correctness" is a doctrine, fostered by a delusional, illogical minority, and rabidly promoted by an unscrupulous mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it is entirely possible to pick up a turd by the clean end
Reply With Quote
The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to DTT For This Useful Post:
lucycool (9th May 2012), twirly (12th April 2012)
  #505  
Old 10th April 2012, 09:21 AM
DTT's Avatar
DTT DTT is offline
Podiatry Arena Veteran
 
About:
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: Beddington UK
Posts: 1,687
Join Date: Oct 2004
Marketplace reputation 0% (0)
Thanks: 365
Thanked 270 Times in 199 Posts
Default Re: Jokes

The wife asked me what I was doing on the computer last night. I told her I was looking for cheap flights.

"I love you!" she said, and then she got all excited, unzipped my trousers and gave me the most amazing sex ever, which is odd because she's never shown an interest in darts before.

Cheers
D
__________________
My location

http://www.surreyfootcare.co.uk

"Political Correctness" is a doctrine, fostered by a delusional, illogical minority, and rabidly promoted by an unscrupulous mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it is entirely possible to pick up a turd by the clean end
Reply With Quote
  #506  
Old 12th April 2012, 05:15 AM
DTT's Avatar
DTT DTT is offline
Podiatry Arena Veteran
 
About:
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: Beddington UK
Posts: 1,687
Join Date: Oct 2004
Marketplace reputation 0% (0)
Thanks: 365
Thanked 270 Times in 199 Posts
Default Re: Jokes

THE OLDER WOMAN






I ended up with an older woman at a club last night.
She looked OK for a 61 year-old.
In fact, she wasn't too bad at all, and I found myself thinking that she
probably had a really hot daughter.




We drank a bit, and had a bit of a snuggle, and then she asked if I'd ever had a Sportsman's Double.


'What's that?' I asked.

'It's a mother and daughter threesome,' she said.

I said, 'No,' - excitedly.


We drank a bit more, then she says that tonight was 'my lucky night'.



I went back to her place.



She put on the hall light and shouted upstairs: 'Mum, you still awake'??

Cheers
D
__________________
My location

http://www.surreyfootcare.co.uk

"Political Correctness" is a doctrine, fostered by a delusional, illogical minority, and rabidly promoted by an unscrupulous mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it is entirely possible to pick up a turd by the clean end
Reply With Quote
  #507  
Old 13th April 2012, 06:17 AM
DTT's Avatar
DTT DTT is offline
Podiatry Arena Veteran
 
About:
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: Beddington UK
Posts: 1,687
Join Date: Oct 2004
Marketplace reputation 0% (0)
Thanks: 365
Thanked 270 Times in 199 Posts
Default Re: Jokes

Two sisters, one blond and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble....

In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock.

Upon leaving, the brunette tells her sister, 'When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home.'

The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she wants to buy it.

The man tells her that he will sell it for $599, no less. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news.

She walks into the telegraph office, and says, 'I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch and I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home.'

The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, it will cost 99 cents a word.

Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word.

After a few minutes of thinking, she nods and says, 'I want you to send her the word 'comfortable.'

The operator shakes his head. 'How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her just the word 'comfortable?'

The brunette explains, 'My sister's blonde. The word is big.



She'll read it very slowly... 'com-for-da-bul.'

Cheers
D
__________________
My location

http://www.surreyfootcare.co.uk

"Political Correctness" is a doctrine, fostered by a delusional, illogical minority, and rabidly promoted by an unscrupulous mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it is entirely possible to pick up a turd by the clean end
Reply With Quote
  #508  
Old 17th April 2012, 11:16 AM
DTT's Avatar
DTT DTT is offline
Podiatry Arena Veteran
 
About:
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: Beddington UK
Posts: 1,687
Join Date: Oct 2004
Marketplace reputation 0% (0)
Thanks: 365
Thanked 270 Times in 199 Posts
Default Re: Jokes

The Sensitive Man



A woman meets a man in a bar.


They talk; they connect; they end up leaving together..


They get back to his place,




And as he shows her around his apartment.



She notices that one wall of his bedroom is
Completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears.


There are three shelves in the bedroom,





With hundreds and hundreds of cute,



Cuddly teddy bears carefully placed

In rows, covering the entire wall!


It was obvious that he had taken
Quite some time to lovingly arrange them



And she was immediately touched


By the amount of thought he had
Put into organizing the display.


There were small bears all along
The bottom shelf,


Medium-sized bears covering the
Length of the middle shelf,


And huge, enormous bears running
All the way along the top shelf.


She found it strange for an
Obviously masculine guy


To have such a large collection of
Teddy Bears,


She is quite impressed by his
Sensitive side.


But doesn't mention this to him.



They share a bottle of wine and
Continue talking and,


After awhile, she finds herself
Thinking,



'Oh my God! Maybe, this guy
Could be the one!


Maybe he could be the future
Father of my children?'


She turns to him and kisses him
Lightly on the lips



He responds warmly


They continue to kiss, the passion builds,



And he romantically lifts her in
His arms and carries her into his bedroom



Where they rip off each other's
Clothes and make hot, steamy love.

She is so overwhelmed that she
Responds with more passion,


More creativity, more heat than she
Has ever known.

After an intense, explosive night
Of raw passion with this sensitive guy,

They are lying there together in
The afterglow.
The woman rolls over, gently
Strokes his chest and asks coyly,

'Well, how was it?'

The guy gently smiles at her,

Strokes her cheek,
Looks deeply into her eyes,


And says:


'Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf'

Cheers
D
__________________
My location

http://www.surreyfootcare.co.uk

"Political Correctness" is a doctrine, fostered by a delusional, illogical minority, and rabidly promoted by an unscrupulous mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it is entirely possible to pick up a turd by the clean end
Reply With Quote
  #509  
Old 19th April 2012, 01:48 AM
DTT's Avatar
DTT DTT is offline
Podiatry Arena Veteran
 
About:
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: Beddington UK
Posts: 1,687
Join Date: Oct 2004
Marketplace reputation 0% (0)
Thanks: 365
Thanked 270 Times in 199 Posts
Default Re: Jokes

Towards the end of a round of golf,

Dave hit his ball into the woods and found it in a patch of pretty, yellow buttercups.

Trying to get his ball back in play, he ended up thrashing just about every buttercup in the patch.

All of a sudden POOF!!

In a flash and puff of smoke, a little old woman appeared.

She said, 'I'm Mother Nature! Do you know how long it took me to make those buttercups?

Just for doing what you have done, you won't have any butter for your popcorn for the rest of your life

......better still, you won't have any butter for your toast for the rest of your life

.....as a matter of fact, you'll never have any butter for anything for the rest of your life!!!'

Then POOF!...she was gone!

After Dave recovered from the shock, he hollered for his friend, 'Fred, where are you?'

Fred yells back 'I'm over here in the pussy willows.'

Dave shouts back, “DON'T SWING, Fred; FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, DON'T SWING!”

Cheers
D
__________________
My location

http://www.surreyfootcare.co.uk

"Political Correctness" is a doctrine, fostered by a delusional, illogical minority, and rabidly promoted by an unscrupulous mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it is entirely possible to pick up a turd by the clean end
Reply With Quote
  #510  
Old 27th April 2012, 02:38 AM
DTT's Avatar
DTT DTT is offline
Podiatry Arena Veteran
 
About:
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: Beddington UK
Posts: 1,687
Join Date: Oct 2004
Marketplace reputation 0% (0)
Thanks: 365
Thanked 270 Times in 199 Posts
Default Re: Jokes

If famous
characters throughout time had Jewish mothers ...just think....
>
>

>MONA LISA'S JEWISH MOTHER:
>'After all the money your father and I
spent on braces, this you call a smile?'
>
> CHRISTOPHER COLUMBUS'
JEWISH MOTHER:
>'I don't care what you've discovered, you didn't
call, you didn't write...'
>
>MICHELANGELO'S JEWISH MOTHER:
>'A
ceiling you paint? Not good enough for you the walls, like the other
children? Do you know how hard it is to get that schmutz off the
ceiling?'
>
NAPOLEON'S JEWISH MOTHER:
>'You're not hiding your report
card? Show me! Take your hand out of your jacket and show me!'
>

>ABRAHAM LINCOLN'S JEWISH MOTHER:
>'Again with that hat! Why can't you
wear a baseball cap like the other kids?'
>
>GEORGE WASHINGTON'S JEWISH
MOTHER:
>'Next time I catch you throwing money across the Potomac , you
can kiss your allowance good-bye!'
>
>THOMAS EDISON'S JEWISH MOTHER:

>'Okay, so I'm proud that you invented the electric light bulb. Now
turn it off already and go to sleep!'
>
>PAUL REVERE'S JEWISH MOTHER:

>'I don't care where you think you have to go, young man, midnight is
long past your bedtime!'
>
>ALBERT EINSTEIN'S JEWISH MOTHER:
>'Your
senior photograph and you couldn't have done something with your hair?'

>
>MOSES' JEWISH MOTHER:
>'Desert, schmesert!! Where have you really
been for the last forty years?'
>
>BILL GATES' JEWISH MOTHER:
>'It
would have killed you to become a doctor?'
>
>BILL CLINTON'S JEWISH
MOTHER:
>'Well, at least she was a nice Jewish girl.'


Cheers
D
__________________
My location

http://www.surreyfootcare.co.uk

"Political Correctness" is a doctrine, fostered by a delusional, illogical minority, and rabidly promoted by an unscrupulous mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it is entirely possible to pick up a turd by the clean end
Reply With Quote
Reply



Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts
vB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Forum Jump

Translate This Page

Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
Bushisms Craig Payne Break Room 18 17th January 2006 11:25 AM
Shakeet Lokh Em's foot fetish rap Mark Russell Break Room 7 1st October 2005 07:56 PM


New To Site? Need Help?

Finding your way around:

Browse the forums.

Search the site.

Browse the tags.

Search the tags.


All times are GMT -7. The time now is 10:11 AM.