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Something to Think About.....
> The Stranger
> A few years after I was born, my Dad met a stranger who was new to our small
> town. From the beginning, Dad was fascinated with this enchanting newcomer
> and soon invited him to live with our family. The stranger was quickly
> accepted and was around from then on.
>
> As I grew up, I never questioned his place in my family. In my young mind,
> he had a special niche. My parents were complementary instructors: Mom
> taught me good from evil, and Dad taught me to obey. But the stranger... he
> was our storyteller. He would keep us spellbound for hours on end with
> adventures, mysteries and comedies.
>
> If I wanted to know anything about politics, history or science, he always
> knew the answers about the past, understood the present and even seemed able
> to predict the future! He took my family to the first major league ball
> game. He made me laugh, and he made me cry. The stranger never stopped
> talking, but Dad didn't seem to mind.
>
> Sometimes, Mom would get up quietly while the rest of us were shushing each
> other to listen to what he had to say, and she would go to the kitchen for
> peace and quiet.
> (I wonder now if she ever prayed for the stranger to leave.)
>
> Dad ruled our household with certain moral convictions, but the stranger
> never felt obligated to honor them. Profanity, for example, was not allowed
> in our home - not from us, our friends or any visitors. Our long time
> visitor, however, got away with four-letter words that burned my ears and
> made my dad squirm and my mother blush. My Dad didn't permit the liberal use
> of alcohol but the stranger encouraged us to try it on a regular basis. He
> made cigarettes look cool, cigars manly, and pipes distinguished. He talked
> freely (much too freely!) about sex. His comments were sometimes blatant,
> sometimes suggestive, and generally embarrassing..
>
> I now know that my early concepts about relationships were influenced
> strongly by the stranger. Time after time, he opposed the values of my
> parents, yet he was seldom rebuked... And NEVER asked to leave.
>
> More than fifty years have passed since the stranger moved in with our
> family. He has blended right in and is not nearly as fascinating as he was
> at first. Still, if you could walk into my parents' den today, you would
> still find him sitting over in his corner, waiting for someone to listen to
> him talk and watch him draw his pictures.
>
> His name?....
>
>
>
>
>
> We just call him 'TV.'
>
> (Note: This should be required reading for every household!)
> He has a wife now....we call her 'Computer.'
> Their first child is "Cell Phone".
>
Cheers
D

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"Political Correctness" is a doctrine, fostered by a delusional, illogical minority, and rabidly promoted by an unscrupulous mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it is entirely possible to pick up a turd by the clean end

http://www.wimp.com/sheeplight/
Made me chuckle.

British complaints to the landlord



Only in Britain -Complaints to Councils
Extracts from letters written by council tenants:

1. It's the dogs mess that I find hard to swallow.

2. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.

3. I wish to complain that my father twisted his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.

4. Their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.

5. I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other day that blew them off.

6. My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?

7. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.

8. Will you please send someone to mend the garden path. My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant.

9. I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.

10. 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster, and 50% are just plain filthy.

11. The next door neighbour has got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't take it anymore.

12. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.

13. Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny colour and not fit to drink.

14. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and now is in three pieces.

15. I want to complain about the farmer across the road. Every morning at 6am his cock wakes me up and it's now getting too much for me.

16. The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.

17. Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third, so please send someone round to do something about it.

18. I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man on top of me every night.

19. Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife..

20. I have had the clerk of works down on the floor six times but I still have no satisfaction.

21. This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broke and we can't get BBC2.

22. My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus growing in it.




Cheers
D

__________________
My location

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"Political Correctness" is a doctrine, fostered by a delusional, illogical minority, and rabidly promoted by an unscrupulous mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it is entirely possible to pick up a turd by the clean end

Checking out at Tesco, the young cashier suggested to the older woman that she should bring her own grocery bags because plastic bags weren't good for the environment.

The woman apologized and explained, "We didn't have this green thing back in my earlier days."

The clerk responded, "That's our problem today. Your generation did not care enough to save our environment for future generations." She was right -- our generation didn't have the green thing in its day.

Back then, we returned milk bottles, pop bottles and beer bottles to the shop. The shop sent them back to the plant to be washed and sterilized and refilled, so it could use the same bottles over and over. So they really were re cycled. But we didn't have the green thing back in our day.

We walked up stairs, because we didn't have an escalator in every store and office building. We walked to the grocers and didn't climb into a 200-horsepower machine every time we had to go two blocks. But she was right. We didn't have the green thing in our day.

Back then, we washed the baby's nappies because we didn't have the throw-away kind. We dried clothes on a line, not in an energy gobbling machine burning up 2000 watts -- wind and solar power really did dry our clothes back in our early days. Kids got hand-me-down clothes from their brothers or sisters, not always brand-new clothing. But that young lady is right. We didn't have the green thing back in our day.

Back then, we had one TV, or radio, in the house -- not a TV in every room. And the TV had a small screen the size of a handkerchief (remember them?), not a screen the size ofYorkshire. In the kitchen, we blended and stirred by hand because we didn't have electric machines to do everything for us. When we packaged a fragile item to send in the post, we used wadded up old newspapers to cushion it, not Styrofoam or plastic bubble wrap. Back then, we didn't fire up an engine and burn petrol just to cut the lawn. We used a push mower that ran on human power. We exercised by working so we didn't need to go to a health club to run on treadmills that operate on electricity. But she's right. We didn't have the green thing back then.

When we were thirsty we drank from a tap instead of drinking from a plastic bottle of water shipped from the other side of the world. We refilled writing pens with ink instead of buying a new pen, and we replaced the razor blades in a razor instead of throwing away the whole razor just because the blade got dull. But we didn't have the green thing back then.

Back then, people took the bus and kids rode their bikes to school or walked instead of turning their mums into a 24-hour taxi service. We had one electrical socket in a room, not an entire bank of sockets to power a dozen appliances. And we didn't need a computerized gadget to receive a signal beamed from satellites 2,000 miles out in space in order to find the nearest fish and chip shop.

But isn't it sad the current generation laments how wasteful we old folks were just because we didn't have the green thing back then?

Please forward this on to another selfish, grumpy old git who needs a lesson in conservation from a smartass young person.


Remember: Don't make old people mad.


We don't like being old in the first place, so it doesn't take much to piss us off.

Cheers
D

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"Political Correctness" is a doctrine, fostered by a delusional, illogical minority, and rabidly promoted by an unscrupulous mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it is entirely possible to pick up a turd by the clean end

Below is an article written by Rick Reilly of Sports Illustrated. He details his experiences when given the opportunity to fly in a F-14 Tomcat. If you aren't laughing out loud by the time you get to 'Milk Duds,' your sense of humor is seriously broken. ************************************************** ************************************************** ******************* Someday you may be invited to fly in the back-seat of one of your country's most powerful fighter jets. Many of you already have. John Elway, John Stockton, Tiger Woods to name a few.

If you get this opportunity, let me urge you, with the greatest sincerity... Move to Guam.Change your name. Fake your own death! Whatever you do. Do Not Go!!! I know. The U.S. Navy invited me to try it. I was thrilled. I was pumped. I was toast!

I should have known when they told me my pilot would beChip (Biff) King of Fighter Squadron 213 at Naval Air Station Oceana in Virginia Beach .Whatever you're thinking a Top Gun named Chip (Biff) King looks like, triple it. He's about six-foot, tan, ice-blue eyes, wavy surfer hair,finger-crippling handshake -- the kind of man who wrestles dyspeptic alligators in his leisure time. If you see this man, run the otherway.... Fast.Biff King was born to fly.

His father, Jack King, was for years the voice of NASA missions. ('T-minus 15 seconds and counting'). Remember?Chip would charge neighborhood kids a quarter each to hear his dad. Jack would wake up from naps surrounded by nine-year-oldswaiting for him to say, 'We have liftoff'.

Biff was to fly me in an F- 14D Tomcat, a ridiculously powerful $60 million weapon with nearly as much thrust as weight, not unlike ColinMontgomerie. I was worried about getting airsick, so the night before the flight I asked Biff if there was something I should eat the nextmorning. 'Bananas,' he said. 'For the potassium?' I asked. 'No,' Biff said, 'because they taste about the same coming up as they do going down.'
The next morning, out on the tarmac, I had on my flight suit with my name sewn over the left breast.(No call sign -- like Crash or Sticky or Leadfoot. But, still, very cool.) I carried my helmet in the crook of my arm, as Biff had instructed. If ever in my life I had a chance to nail Nicole Kidman, this was it.A fighter pilot named Psycho gave me a safety briefing and then fastened me into my ejection seat, which, when employed, would'egress' me out of the plane at such a velocity that I would be immediately knocked unconscious.
Just as I was thinking about aborting the flight, the canopy closed over me, and Biff gave the ground crew a thumbs-up. In minutes we were firing nose up at 600 mph. We leveled out and then canopy-rolled over another F-14.Those 20 minutes were the rush of my life. Unfortunately, the ride lasted 80.
It was like being on the roller coaster at Six Flags OverHell. Only without rails. We did barrel rolls, snap rolls, loops, yanks and banks. We dived, rose and dived again, sometimes with avertical velocity of 10,000 feet per minute. We chased another F-14, and it chased us.We broke the speed of sound. Sea was sky and sky was sea. Flying at 200 feet we did 90-degree turns at 550 mph, creating a G force of6.5, which is to say I felt as if 6.5 times my body weight was smashing against me, thereby approximating life as Colin Montgomerie.
And I egressed the bananas. And I egressed the pizza from the night before. And the lunch before that. I egressed a box of Milk Duds from the sixth grade. I made Linda Blair look polite. Because of the G's, I was egressing stuff that never thought it would be egressed.I went through not one airsick bag, but two.
Biff said I passed out. Twice. I was coated in sweat. At one point, as we were coming in upside down in a banked curve on a mock bombingtarget and the G's were flattening me like a tortilla and I was in and out of consciousness, I realized I was the first person in history to throw down.I used to know 'cool'.
Cool was Elway throwing a touchdown pass, or Norman making a five-iron bite. But now I really know 'cool'. Cool is guys like Biff, men with cast-iron stomachs and freon nerves. I wouldn't go up there again for Derek Jeter's black book, but I'm glad Biff does every day, and for less a year than a rookie reliever makes in a home stand.A week later, when the spins finally stopped, Biff called. He said he and the other fighter pilots had the perfect call sign for me. Said he'd send iton a patch for my flight suit. 'What is it?' I asked.'
Two Bags.'God Bless America

Cheers
D

__________________
My location

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"Political Correctness" is a doctrine, fostered by a delusional, illogical minority, and rabidly promoted by an unscrupulous mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it is entirely possible to pick up a turd by the clean end

A lonely widow, age 70, decided that it was time to get married again.
She put an ad in the local paper that read:

HUSBAND WANTED:
MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70's),
MUST NOT BEAT ME, MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME
MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED!!!!!
ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON.


On the second day, she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay,
She opened the door to see a Grey-haired gentleman sitting in a wheelchair.
He had no arms or legs.

The old woman said, 'You're not really asking me to consider you, are you?
Just look at you...you have no legs!

The old man smiled, 'Therefore, I cannot run around on you!'

She snorted. 'You don't have any arms either!'

Again, the old man smiled, 'Therefore, I can never beat you!'

She raised an eyebrow and asked intently, 'Are you still good in bed???'
The old man leaned back, beamed a big smile and said,

'Rang the doorbell didn't I?'

Cheers
D

__________________
My location

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"Political Correctness" is a doctrine, fostered by a delusional, illogical minority, and rabidly promoted by an unscrupulous mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it is entirely possible to pick up a turd by the clean end

CHILDREN WRITING ABOUT THE OCEAN

1) This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles. (Kelly, age 6)

2) Oysters' balls are called pearls. (Jerry, age 6)

3) If you are surrounded by ocean, you are an island. If you don't
have ocean all round you, you are incontinent. (Richard, age 7)

4) Sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily
Richardson. She's not my friend any more. (Kylie, age 6)

5) A dolphin breaths through an asshole on the top of its head.
(Billy, age 8)

6) My uncle goes out in his boat with 2 other men and a woman and
pots and comes back with crabs. (Millie, age 6)

7) When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross
the ocean. Sometimes when the wind didn't blow the sailors
would whistle to make the wind come. My brother said they
would have been better off eating beans. (William, age 7)

8) Mermaids live in the ocean. I like mermaids. They are beautiful
and I like their shiny tails, but how on earth do mermaids get
pregnant? Like, really? (Helen, age 6)

9) I'm not going to write about the ocean. My baby brother is
always crying, my Dad keeps yelling at my Mom, and my big sister
has just got pregnant, so I can't think what to write. (Amy, age 6)

10) Some fish are dangerous. Jellyfish can sting. Electric eels can
give you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea
where I think they have to plug themselves in to chargers.
(Christopher, age 7)

11) When you go swimming in the ocean, it is very cold, and it makes
my willy small. (Kevin, age 6)

12) Divers have to be safe when they go under the water. Divers
can't go down alone, so they have to go down on each other.
(Becky, age 8)

13) On vacation my Mom went water skiing. She fell off when she
was going very fast. She says she won't do it again because
water fired right up her big fat ass. (Julie, age 7)

14) The ocean is made up of water and fish. Why the fish don't
drown I don't know. (Bobby, age 6)

15) My dad was a sailor on the ocean. He knows all about the ocean.
What he doesn't know is why he quit being a sailor and married
my mom. (James, age 7)

Cheers
D

__________________
My location

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"Political Correctness" is a doctrine, fostered by a delusional, illogical minority, and rabidly promoted by an unscrupulous mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it is entirely possible to pick up a turd by the clean end

LIFE'S SIMPLE TRUTHS

SIMPLE TRUTH #1

Partners help each other undress before sex.

However after sex, they always dress on their own.

Moral of the story: In life, no one helps you once you're screwed.


SIMPLE TRUTH #2

When a lady is pregnant, all her friends touch the stomach and saying, "congrats!"

But, none of them come and touch the man's penis and say, "Good job!"

Moral of the story: "Hard work is never appreciated.


No Underwear - Makes Sense to Me

A man came to visit his grandparents, and he noticed his grandfather sitting on the porch in the rocking chair wearing only a shirt, with nothing on from the waist down.

'Grandpa, what are you doing? Your weenie is out in the wind for everyone to see!' he exclaimed.

The old man looked off in the distance without answering.

'Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the waist?' he asked again.

The old man slowly looked at him and said, 'Well....last week I sat out here with no shirt on and I got a stiff neck. This is your grandma's idea.'


FIVE RULES TO REMEMBER IN LIFE

1. Money cannot buy happiness, but its more comfortable to cry in a Corvette than on a bicycle.

2. Forgive your enemy, but remember the assholes name.

3. If you help someone when they're in trouble, they will remember you when they're in trouble again.

4. Many people are alive only because its illegal to shoot them.

5. Alcohol does not solve any problems, but then neither does milk.


THERE YOU HAVE IT...

Cheers
D

__________________
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"Political Correctness" is a doctrine, fostered by a delusional, illogical minority, and rabidly promoted by an unscrupulous mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it is entirely possible to pick up a turd by the clean end

At a bar ...



Having already downed a few power drinks, she turns around, faces him, looks him straight in the eye and says:


"Listen here, good looking. I screw anybody, anytime, anywhere, your place, my place, in the car, front door, back door, on the ground, standing up, sitting down, naked or with clothes on; it doesn't matter to me. I just love it!"

Eyes now wide with interest, he responds:


"No kidding, I'm in banking too! Which one are you with?"

Cheers
D

__________________
My location

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"Political Correctness" is a doctrine, fostered by a delusional, illogical minority, and rabidly promoted by an unscrupulous mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it is entirely possible to pick up a turd by the clean end

If you start with a cage containing five monkeys and inside the
cage, hang a banana on a string from the top and then you place
a set of stairs under the banana, before long a monkey will go
to the stairs and climb toward the banana.

As soon as he touches the stairs, you spray all the other monkeys
with cold water.

After a while another monkey makes an attempt with same result
… all the other monkeys are sprayed with cold water. Pretty soon
when another monkey tries to climb the stairs, the other monkeys
will try to prevent it.


Now, put the cold water away.

Remove one monkey from the cage and replace it with a new one.
The new monkey sees the banana and attempts to climb the
stairs. To his shock, all of the other monkeys beat the crap out of
him. After another attempt and attack, he knows that if he tries to
climb the stairs he will be assaulted.

Next, remove another of the original five monkeys,
replacing it
with a new one.

The newcomer goes to the stairs and is attacked. The previous
newcomer takes part in the punishment...... with enthusiasm,
because he is now part of the "team".

Then, replace a third original monkey with a new one, followed by
the fourth, then the fifth. Every time the newest monkey takes to
the stairs he is attacked.


Now, the monkeys that are beating him up have no idea why they
were not permitted to climb the stairs. Neither do they know why
they are participating in the beating of the newest monkey.


Finally, having replaced all of the original monkeys, none of the
remaining monkeys will have ever been sprayed with cold water.
Nevertheless, not one of the monkeys will try to climb the stairway
for the banana.

Why, you ask? Because in their minds...
that is the way it has always been!
This, my friends, is how Parliament operates...
and this is why, from time to time:

ALL of the f … g monkeys need to be
REPLACED AT THE SAME TIME.

Cheers
D

__________________
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"Political Correctness" is a doctrine, fostered by a delusional, illogical minority, and rabidly promoted by an unscrupulous mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it is entirely possible to pick up a turd by the clean end

NEW WORD

Exhaustipated
Here is a new word to add to your vocabulary.
It will be especially useful to us senior folks!
Exhaustipated: Just too tired to give a s**t.


Cheers
D

__________________
My location

http://www.surreyfootcare.co.uk

"Political Correctness" is a doctrine, fostered by a delusional, illogical minority, and rabidly promoted by an unscrupulous mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it is entirely possible to pick up a turd by the clean end

Can we not relate this to local Management?

Is sex work or pleasure

An RAF Group Captain was about to start the morning briefing to his staff ....

Whilst waiting for the coffee machine to finish its brewing, the Group Captain decided to pose a question to all assembled.

He explained that his wife had been a bit frisky the night before and he failed to get his usual amount of sound sleep.

He posed the question of just how much of sex was "work" and how much of it was "pleasure"
• A Wing Commander chimed in with 75-25% in favour of work.
• A Squadron Leader said it was 50-50%.
• A Flight Lieutenant responded with 25-75% in favour of pleasure, depending upon his state of inebriation at the time.

There being no consensus, the Group Captain turned to the young Corporal who was in charge of making the coffee. What the Group Captain wondered was his opinion?

Without any hesitation, the young Corporal responded, "Sir, it has to be 100% pleasure."

The Group Captain was surprised and, as you might guess, asked "And, why exactly would that be the case?"
The young Corporal replied, "Well, sir, if there was any work involved, the officers would have me doing it for them."

The room fell silent.

May God Bless the lower ranks.

cheers
D

__________________
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"Political Correctness" is a doctrine, fostered by a delusional, illogical minority, and rabidly promoted by an unscrupulous mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it is entirely possible to pick up a turd by the clean end

Companies, who didn't spend quite enough time considering how their online name might appear!
These are not made up. Check them out yourself!






1. 'Who Represents' is where you can find the name of the agent that represents any celebrity. Their Web site is:
http://www.whorepresents.com/

2. 'Experts Exchange' is a knowledge base where programmers can exchange advice and views at:
http://www.expertsexchange.com/

3. Looking for a great pen? Look no further than 'Pen Island ....' It can be found at:
http://www.penisland.net/

4. Need a therapist? Try 'Therapist Finder' at:
http://www.therapistfinder.com/

5. Then there's the 'Italian Power Generator' company. Check it out at:http://www.powergenitalia.com/

6.'IP computer' software, there's always:
http://www.ipanywhere.com/

7. And the designers at 'Speed of Art' await you at their wacky Web site:
http://www.speedofart.com/


Cheers
D

__________________
My location

http://www.surreyfootcare.co.uk

"Political Correctness" is a doctrine, fostered by a delusional, illogical minority, and rabidly promoted by an unscrupulous mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it is entirely possible to pick up a turd by the clean end

Subject: Adult Scrabble



Adult Scrabble...

Rearrange the letters to spell out an important part of the human body which is even more useful when erect.


P N E S I

…………………
(scroll Down)










People who wrote SPINE became doctors...

The rest are all my nutty friends...

Cheers
D

__________________
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"Political Correctness" is a doctrine, fostered by a delusional, illogical minority, and rabidly promoted by an unscrupulous mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it is entirely possible to pick up a turd by the clean end

There are two theories to arguing with a woman, neither of them work!


AREN'T YOU PROUD TO BE OLD?

TODAY IS THE OLDEST YOU'VE EVER BEEN,
YET THE YOUNGEST YOU'LL EVER BE, SO
ENJOY THIS DAY WHILE IT LASTS.



~Your Kids are becoming you.....but your grandchildren are
Perfect!

~Going Out is good.. Coming Home is better!

~You Forget names.... But it's OK because other people
forgot they Even knew you!!!

~You realize you're never going to be really good at anything
.... Especially Golf.

~The things you used to care to do, you no longer care to do,
but you really do care that you don't care to do them anymore.

~You sleep better on a lounge chair with the TV blaring than
in bed. It's Called "pre-sleep".

~You miss the days when everything worked with just an
"ON" and "OFF" Switch..

~You tend to use more 4 letter words ... "what?"..."when?"... ???

~Now that you can afford expensive jewelry, it's not safe
to wear it anywhere.

~You notice everything they sell in stores is "sleeveless"?!!!

~What used to be freckles are now liver spots.

~Everybody Whispers.

~You have 3 sizes of clothes in your closet....
2 of which you will never wear.

~~~But Old is good in some things: Old songs, Old movies,
and best of all, OLD FRIENDS!!

Stay well, "OLD FRIEND!" Send this on to other "Old Friends!"
and let them laugh in AGREEMENT!!!

It's Not What You Gather, But What You Scatter That Tells
What Kind Of Life You Have Lived


Cheers
D

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"Political Correctness" is a doctrine, fostered by a delusional, illogical minority, and rabidly promoted by an unscrupulous mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it is entirely possible to pick up a turd by the clean end

HELL EXPLAINED


BY A CHEMISTRY STUDENT

The following is an actual question given on a University of Arizona chemistry midterm, and an actual answer turned in by a student.

The answer by this student was so 'profound' that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well:

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving, which is unlikely.. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today.

Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell.

With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.
This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.
So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, IT will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,' and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct..... ....leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting Oh my God.'

THIS STUDENT RECEIVED AN A+.

Cheers
D

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My location

http://www.surreyfootcare.co.uk

"Political Correctness" is a doctrine, fostered by a delusional, illogical minority, and rabidly promoted by an unscrupulous mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it is entirely possible to pick up a turd by the clean end

Moral of the story: don't EVER take a man shopping unless he wants to go




RETIRED HUSBAND!

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Tygervalley.

Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse.

Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from Tygervalley :

Dear Mrs. Harris ,

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Harris , are
Listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras:

1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money.

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on lay-by.

6.. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers they could come in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.

8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called.

9... September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were..

11... October 3: Darted around the Store suspiciously while loudly humming the ' Mission Impossible' theme.

12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.

13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

14. October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed the fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!!
15.. Took a box of condoms to the checkout clerk and asked where is the fitting room?

And last, but not least:

16. October 20: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, and then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.'

One of the clerks passed out.

Cheers
D

__________________
My location

http://www.surreyfootcare.co.uk

"Political Correctness" is a doctrine, fostered by a delusional, illogical minority, and rabidly promoted by an unscrupulous mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it is entirely possible to pick up a turd by the clean end

Everyone seems to be in such a hurry to scream 'racism' these days.

A customer asked, "In what aisle could I find the Irish sausage?"

The assistant asks, "Are you Irish?"

The guy, clearly offended, says, "Yes I am. But let me ask you something.

If I had asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian?

Or if I had asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German?

Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish?

Or if I had asked for a Taco, would you ask if I was Mexican?

Or if I asked for Polish sausage, would you ask if I was Polish?"

The assistant says, "No, I probably wouldn't."

The guy says,

"Well then, just because I asked for Irish sausage, why did you ask me if I'm Irish?"

The assistant replied,





"Because you're in Halfords."


Cheers
D

__________________
My location

http://www.surreyfootcare.co.uk

"Political Correctness" is a doctrine, fostered by a delusional, illogical minority, and rabidly promoted by an unscrupulous mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it is entirely possible to pick up a turd by the clean end

21 things you can only get away with saying at Christmas

1. I prefer breasts to legs
2. Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist.
3. Smother the butter all over the breasts!
4. If I don't undo my trousers, I'll burst!
5. I've never seen a better spread!
6. I'm in the mood for a little dark meat.
7. Are you ready for seconds yet?
8. It's a little dry; do you still want it?
9. Just wait your turn, you'll get some!
10. Don't play with your meat.
11. Stuff it up between the legs as far as it will go.
12. Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once?
13. I didn't expect everyone to come at the same time!
14. You still have a little bit on your chin.
15. How long will it take after you put it in?
16. You'll know it's ready when it pops up.
17. Just pull the end and wait for the bang.
18. That's the biggest bird I've ever had!
19. I'm so full; I've been gobbling nuts all morning
20. Wow, I didn't think I could handle all that and still want more!
21. I do like a good stuffing.

MERRY CHRISTMAS
And Happy New Year

Cheers
D

__________________
My location

http://www.surreyfootcare.co.uk

"Political Correctness" is a doctrine, fostered by a delusional, illogical minority, and rabidly promoted by an unscrupulous mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it is entirely possible to pick up a turd by the clean end

Fifty Shades of Grey (hair)

My missus bought a paperback
In Asda, Saturday,
I had a look inside the bag
T’was "Fifty Shades of Grey"

Well I just left her to it, see,
And went off up to bed
An hour later, she appeared
Oh the sight filled me with dread!

In her hand she held a rope
The other, held a whip!
She brandished them around a bit
And then began to strip.

Well forty years or so, ago,
I might have had a peek
But Doris hasn’t weathered well
She’s sixty-eight next week.

Watching Doris bump and grind
Couldn’t be much grimmer
And things progressed from bad to worse
She toppled off her Zimmer !

She struggled back up to her feet,
A good half hour later,
Put her teeth back in and said
That I must dominate her!

Now if you knew our Doris, see,
You’d know just why I cringed.
I’d been two months in traction, cos
My hips and knees unhinged.

She stood there nude. All naked, like,
Bent forward quite a bit and
Jumping back in fright I went
And stood on her left tit.

Doris screamed, her teeth shot out,
My word. What HAD I done ?
She moaned and groaned then shouted out
"Step on the OTHER one!"

Well reader, I can tell no more
About what occurred that day.
Suffice to say, my dark brown hair,
Turned fifty shades of grey.

Black and blue, battered too,
With wanton, wild perversion,
We decided that a night of sin
Was scarce worth such exertion.

Thank Heavens she has binned the book
And peace reigns, like before.
She’s head to toe in winceyette
And back to back, we snore.

Cheers
D

__________________
My location

http://www.surreyfootcare.co.uk

"Political Correctness" is a doctrine, fostered by a delusional, illogical minority, and rabidly promoted by an unscrupulous mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it is entirely possible to pick up a turd by the clean end

A little something for everyone:


Company Memo
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: November 1, 2010
RE: Gala Christmas Party


I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23rd, starting at noon in the private function room at the Grill House.
There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks! We'll have a small band playing traditional carols... feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus!
A Christmas tree will be lit at 1:00 PM. Exchanges of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over $10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone's pockets.
This gathering is only for employees!
Our CEO will make a special announcement at that time!
Merry Christmas to you and your family,
Patty






Company Memo
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: November 2, 2010
RE: Gala Holiday Party


In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that Hanukkah is an important holiday, which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year..
However, from now on, we're calling it our "Holiday Party." The same policy applies to any other employees who are not Christians and to those still celebrating Reconciliation Day.
There will be no Christmas tree and no Christmas carols will be sung.
We will have other types of music for your enjoyment.
Happy now?
Happy Holidays to you and your family,
Patty




Company Memo
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: November 3, 2010
RE: Holiday Party


Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table, you didn't sign your name...
I'm happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, "AA Only", you wouldn't be anonymous anymore. How am I supposed to handle this?
Somebody?
And sorry, but forget about the gift exchange, no gifts are allowed since the union members feel that $10.00 is too much money and the executives believe $10.00 is a little chintzy.
REMEMBER: NO GIFTS EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.
Patty




Company Memo
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
To: All Employees
DATE: November 4, 2010
RE: Generic Holiday Party


What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20th begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during daylight hours.
There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees' beliefs. Perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party or else package everything for you to take it home in little foil doggy baggy. Will that work?
Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from the dessert buffet, and pregnant women will get the table closest to the restrooms.
Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with Gay men, each group will have their own table.
Yes, there will be flower arrangement for the Gay men's table.
To the person asking permission to cross dress, the Grill House asks that no cross-dressing be allowed, apparently because of concerns about confusion in the restrooms. Sorry.
We will have booster seats for short people.
Low-fat food will be available for those on a diet.
I am sorry to report that we cannot control the amount of salt used in the food . The Grill House suggests that people with high blood pressure taste a bite first.
There will be fresh "low sugar" fruits as dessert for diabetics, but the restaurant cannot supply "no sugar" desserts. Sorry!
Did I miss anything?!?!?
Patty




Company Memo
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All F*%^ing Employees
DATE: November 5, 2010
RE: The F*%^ing Holiday Party


I've had it with you vegetarian pricks!!! We're going to keep this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death," as you so quaintly put it, and you'll get your f*%^ing salad bar, including organic tomatoes.
But you know, tomatoes have feelings, too. They scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them scream right NOW!
The rest of you f*%^ing wierdos can kiss my *ss. I hope you all have a rotten holiday!
Drive drunk and die,
The B*tch from H*ll!!!




Company Memo
FROM: Joan Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director
DATE: November 6, 2010
RE: Patty Lewis and Holiday Party


I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery from her recent nervous breakdown and I'll continue to forward your cards to her at the asylum.
In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.
Happy Whatever!
Joan

Whatever you are doing I wish everyone a safe & happy time x

__________________
:)
twirly

Mandy Brooks
Brooks Podiatry
S64 0DE

Suffering a fondness for odd things.

“ Though the mills of God grind slowly;
Yet they grind exceeding small;
Though with patience he stands waiting,
With exactness grinds he all. ”

Xmas Legal Greeting

Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit, my best wishes for an environmentally-conscious, socially-responsible, low-stress, non-addictive, gender-neutral celebration of the winter solstice holiday practiced with the most enjoyable traditions of religious persuasion or secular practices of your choice with respect for the religious/secular persuasions and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all.

I also wish you a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar year 2012, but not without due respect for the calendar of choice of other cultures whose contributions to society have helped make Britain great and without regard to the race, creed, colour, age, physical ability, religious faith or sexual preference of the wisher.

By accepting this greeting, you are accepting these terms:
1.This greeting is subject to clarification or withdrawal.
2.It is freely transferable with no alteration to the original greeting.
3.It implies no promise by the wisher to actually implement any of the wishes for her/him or others and is void where prohibited by law, and is revocable at the sole discretion of the wisher.
4.The wish is warranted to perform as expected within the usual application of good tidings for a period of one year or until the issuance of a new wish at the sole discretion of the wisher
.
Best Regards (without prejudice)

Name withheld (Privacy Act).

Cheers
D

__________________
My location

http://www.surreyfootcare.co.uk

"Political Correctness" is a doctrine, fostered by a delusional, illogical minority, and rabidly promoted by an unscrupulous mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it is entirely possible to pick up a turd by the clean end

To all you OWLS
(Older Wiser Laughing Souls)



Wisdom from Grandpa......

Whether a man winds up with a nest egg, or a goose egg, depends a lot on the kind of chick he marries.



Trouble in marriage often starts when a man gets so busy earning' his salt that he forgets his sugar.


Too many couples marry for better, or for worse, but not for good.





When a man marries a woman, they become one; but the trouble starts when they try to decide which one.




If a man has enough horse sense to treat his wife like a thoroughbred, she will never turn into an old nag.



On anniversaries, the wise husband always forgets the past - but never the present.



A foolish husband says to his wife, "Honey, you stick to the washing', ironing', cooking' and scrubbing'. No wife of mine is gonna "work"."




Many girls like to marry a military man - he can cook, sew, and make beds and is in good health, and he's already used to taking orders. But once married they think they are now the C.O!



Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.




Some people try to turn back their odometers.

Not me, I want people to know "why" I look this way. I've travelled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved.



How old would you be if you didn't know how old you are?


You know you are getting old, when everything either dries up or leaks.

Old age is when former classmates are so gray and wrinkled and bald, they don't recognize you.



Have a GREAT day........and keep Laughing!
It's good for the soul .


And remember my motto:
Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body. But rather to skid in sideways, chocolate in one hand, Wine in the other, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO HOO what a ride!"
Have a wonderful day!
And pay the undertaker with a bad cheque.

Cheers
D

__________________
My location

http://www.surreyfootcare.co.uk

"Political Correctness" is a doctrine, fostered by a delusional, illogical minority, and rabidly promoted by an unscrupulous mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it is entirely possible to pick up a turd by the clean end

David Feherty is a Golf Channel announcer who finds very unique, colorful and uninhibited ways
of explaining or describing whatever is on his mind. Probably always on time delay these days.

David Feherty Quotes:

“Fortunately, he (Rory McIIroy) is 22 years old so his right wrist should be the strongest muscle in his body.”

“That ball is so far left, Lassie couldn’t find it if it was wrapped in bacon.”

“I am sorry Nick Faldo couldn’t be here this week. He is attending the birth of his next wife.”

Jim Furyk’s swing - “It looks like an octopus falling out of a tree.”

Describing VJ Singh's prodigious practice regime - "VJ Singh hits more balls than Elton John's chin."

"That's a great shot with that swing."

"It's OK - the bunker stopped it."

At Augusta 2011 - "It's just a glorious day. The only way to ruin a day like this would be to play golf on it."

"That was a great shot - if they'd put the pin there today."

"Everything moves except his bowels."

"Watching Phil Mickelson play golf is like watching a drunk chasing a balloon near the edge of a cliff."

"That green appears smaller than a Pygmy's nipple."

Cheers
D

__________________
My location

http://www.surreyfootcare.co.uk

"Political Correctness" is a doctrine, fostered by a delusional, illogical minority, and rabidly promoted by an unscrupulous mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it is entirely possible to pick up a turd by the clean end

Why people go south for winter




http://www.youtube.com/watch_popup?v=xkk7DX0l95A&Lid=12

Hope this link works

Cheers
D

__________________
My location

http://www.surreyfootcare.co.uk

"Political Correctness" is a doctrine, fostered by a delusional, illogical minority, and rabidly promoted by an unscrupulous mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it is entirely possible to pick up a turd by the clean end

Been round before but worth another look..
sorry not sure how to add attachments correctly
Admin, realise you're busy fighting spam but would you edit appropriately, thanks, mark

Attached Files

email phots to be deleted.doc (107.5 KB, 11 views)

__________________
LIBERAL small 'l' AND PROUD"

After HMV and Blockbusters, I thought Millets was in trouble when I saw a man standing outside my local branch yesterday dressed as Richard the Third.

He was saying “Now is the Winter of our Discount Tents”…..




And I’ve just done our weekly shop and picked up these – good value I thought…




Paddy Power, the Irish bookies, have offered odds on what animal other than a cow would be found next in a supermarket burger.
Apparently you can get 2/1 for Deer, which is the favourite, and 500/1 for longshot Bigfoot.



And vegetarians aren’t safe either – there’s uniQuorn in Tesco’s veggie burgers


Those Aldi horse burgers are nice, but I prefer My Lidl Pony


Might give Tesco's meatballs a try, heard they're the dogs bollocks…..


Although personally I can't wait to try the new Tesco quarter pandas or tiger prawns.


I think someone may be sending me death threats – I woke up this morning with a Tesco burger on my pillow.


I expect this only relates to those mini-burgers you have as snacks. You know, the horse d'oeuvres.


Follow "Tesco Customer Care" on Twitter. I love the way they fell for the enquiry from the Chesterfield bloke about Red Rum!
Just had a burger for lunch...got the trots now...

Tesco’s have just checked all their burgers....aaaaaaannndd they’re off

Earlier today Tesco commissioned a Gallup poll to see where they went wrong

and finally….

Breaking News: Traces of zebras found in Tesco barcodes



Cheers
D

__________________
My location

http://www.surreyfootcare.co.uk

"Political Correctness" is a doctrine, fostered by a delusional, illogical minority, and rabidly promoted by an unscrupulous mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it is entirely possible to pick up a turd by the clean end

Will You Live to see 100 yrs old?


Here's something to think about.

I recently saw a new doctor.

After two visits and exhaustive Lab tests, he said I was doing 'fairly well' for my age. ( I just reached 55)

A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, 'Do you think I'll live to be 100?'

He asked, 'Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer, wine or hard liquor?

'Oh not much grog these days and don't smoke' I replied. 'I'm not doing drugs, either!'

Then he asked, 'Do you eat rib-eye steaks, fatty roasts and barbecued Ribs?

'I said, 'Not much.... my former doctor said that red meat is very unhealthy!'

'Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, boating, sailing, surfing, hiking, or bicycling?'

'No, I don't,' I said.

He asked, 'Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lots of sex?'

'No,' I said...

He looked at me and said,.. 'Then, why the F - - - do you want to live to be 100?

Cheers
D

__________________
My location

http://www.surreyfootcare.co.uk

"Political Correctness" is a doctrine, fostered by a delusional, illogical minority, and rabidly promoted by an unscrupulous mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it is entirely possible to pick up a turd by the clean end

I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.

*****
Gardening Rule : When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.

*****

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

*****

Never take life seriously Nobody gets out alive anyway.

*****

There are two kinds of pedestrians : the quick and the dead.

*****

Life is sexually transmitted.

*****

Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

*****

The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

*****

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

*****

Have you noticed since everyone has a cell that takes pictures these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?

*****

Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again

*****

All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

*****

In the 60s, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal

*****

How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start
a campfire?

*****

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?"

*****

Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken there? I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta its butt.

Please BE WARNED!

Over the last month I have become a victim of a clever 'Eastern European'
scam while out shopping. Simply dropping into Tescos
supermarket for a bit of shopping turned out to be quite an experience.
Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your
friends.


Here's how the scam works:
Two seriously good-looking voluptuous 20-21 year-old girls come over
to your car as you are packing your shopping into the boot. They both start
cleaning your windscreen, their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy
T-shirts.

When you thank them and offer them a tip, they'll say 'No' and
instead ask you for a lift to another supermarket, in my case, Dunnes.

You agree and they both get in the back seat. On the way, they start
undressing, until both are completely naked. Then, when you pull over to
remonstrate, one of them climbs over into the front seat and starts
crawling all over your lap, kissing you, touching you intimately, and thrusting
herself against you, while the other one steals your wallet!


I had my wallet stolen October 4th, 9th,10th, twice on the 15th, 17th,
20th, 24th and 29th.
On November1st, 4th, 6th, 10th and 13th and twice yesterday.


So please warn all the older men you know to be on the lookout for this
scam.
The best times seem to be just before lunch and about 4:30 in the
afternoon.


P.S. Aldi have cheap wallets on sale for €1.99 each but Lidl wallets are
€1.75 and look better.

Cheers
D

__________________
My location

http://www.surreyfootcare.co.uk

"Political Correctness" is a doctrine, fostered by a delusional, illogical minority, and rabidly promoted by an unscrupulous mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it is entirely possible to pick up a turd by the clean end