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Received an amusing email of recent correspondence
Buckingham Palace
London
To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II
In light of your immediate failure to financially manage yourselves and also in recent years your tendency to elect incompetent Presidents of the USA and therefore not able to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. (You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary.)
Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas, which she does not fancy).
Your new Prime Minister, David Cameron, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections.
Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated sometime next year to determine whether any of you noticed.
To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
1. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour,' 'favour,' 'labour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-ise.' Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary').
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2. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as ''like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as U.S. English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter 'u'' and the elimination of '-ize.'
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
3. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
4. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you're not ready to shoot grouse.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
5. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
6. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
7. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
8. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
9. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. New Zealand beer is also acceptable, as New Zealand is pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth - see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
10. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
11. You will cease playing American football. There are only two kinds of proper football; one you call soccer, and rugby (dominated by the New Zealanders). Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
12. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the Australians (World dominators) first to take the sting out of their deliveries.
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13. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
14. An Revenue and Customs agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
15. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.
Received an amusing email of recent correspondence
Buckingham Palace
London
To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II
In light of your immediate failure to financially manage yourselves and also in recent years your tendency to elect incompetent Presidents of the USA and therefore not able to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. (You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary.)
Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas, which she does not fancy).
Your new Prime Minister, David Cameron, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections.
Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated sometime next year to determine whether any of you noticed.
To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
1. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour,' 'favour,' 'labour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-ise.' Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary').
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
2. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as ''like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as U.S. English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter 'u'' and the elimination of '-ize.'
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
3. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
4. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you're not ready to shoot grouse.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
5. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
6. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
7. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
8. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
9. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. New Zealand beer is also acceptable, as New Zealand is pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth - see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
10. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
11. You will cease playing American football. There are only two kinds of proper football; one you call soccer, and rugby (dominated by the New Zealanders). Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
12. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the Australians (World dominators) first to take the sting out of their deliveries.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
13. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
14. An Revenue and Customs agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
15. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.
God Save the Queen.
ER
Thank god for American Movies!
__________________
Sincerely,
Kevin
**************************************************
Kevin A. Kirby, DPM
Adjunct Associate Professor
Department of Applied Biomechanics
California School of Podiatric Medicine at Samuel Merritt College
Let's be fair here Mark. 'No taxation without representation' - a fair, reasoned and reasonable position - so what about the HPC?!
All the best
Bill
PS. As a matter of historical fact, California still belongs to the UK, thus far, we have not demanded it back but if we did, we could bail Europe out financially and have the Frogs, Krauts, Wops, Greasers and their fellow travellers in thrall to us for ever.
PPS. The aforesaid racism is a JOKE
5. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
Dear Oppressive Monarchy,
We'd love to see those street level police chaps in London donning those rather effete looking top hats and armed with nothing more than sticks, incapacitant spray and a stab vest, come on down to Detroit or Compton and try to enforce a ban on firearms You will promptly learn the true meaning of the word scrum "dog"; never bring a stab vest to an urban gun fight!
Best (and kidding truly)
Grandmaster D
__________________
"If we all worked on the assumption that what is accepted as true is really true, there would be little hope of advance." - Orville Wright
__________________
"If we all worked on the assumption that what is accepted as true is really true, there would be little hope of advance." - Orville Wright
Received an amusing email of recent correspondence
Buckingham Palace
London
To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II
In light of your immediate failure to financially manage yourselves and also in recent years your tendency to elect incompetent Presidents of the USA and therefore not able to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. (You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary.)
Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas, which she does not fancy).
Your new Prime Minister, David Cameron, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections.
Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated sometime next year to determine whether any of you noticed.
To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
1. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour,' 'favour,' 'labour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-ise.' Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary').
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
2. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as ''like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as U.S. English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter 'u'' and the elimination of '-ize.'
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
3. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
4. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you're not ready to shoot grouse.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
5. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
6. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
7. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
8. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
9. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. New Zealand beer is also acceptable, as New Zealand is pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth - see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
10. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
11. You will cease playing American football. There are only two kinds of proper football; one you call soccer, and rugby (dominated by the New Zealanders). Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
12. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the Australians (World dominators) first to take the sting out of their deliveries.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
13. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
14. An Revenue and Customs agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
15. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.
God Save the Queen.
ER
16. immediately change to the British system of medicine where the podiatrists are overwhelmed, underappreciated, needing to produce ragtag orthotics and avoiding preventive and performance enhancement care due to shortages of capital and accept being underpaid and overworked to the point of not having a lifestyle commensurate with their training and skills.
There seems to be lots of books with advice to Americans visiting the UK, but not so many for those going the other direction on holiday, so this is intended to fill that void.
Disclaimer: you will find many blogs by expat Brits living in America, but all their advice is wrong, so take that as a warning for you to stay away from those expat sites and just read this authentic one. After all, if they were THAT intelligent, they would still be living in the UK, right?
Note: These tips are for short-term visitors. You’ll only find advice that is helpful for holiday goers and not stuff about how to get a driver’s license or register to vote.
Well, I guess that’s about all for now.
Wait. I forgot part of the post.
1. We use different money here. No Francs or whatever you use in the UK. On the bright side, our money has no value anymore, so there’s no need to worry about exchange rates.
2. We don’t speak your language.
3. Americans change lanes a lot. Watch your ass.
4. Don’t take the train. Jesus.
5. Expect to hear the words “excuse me?” a lot when you speak to us, and not because we want to get through. Not only do we not speak your language, we don’t understand it, either.
6. America is not dangerous.
7. You will love our beer.
8. Avoid eye contact with panhandlers. On second thought, try to just choose a destination other than New York. Chicago is nice. They don’t have panhandlers in Chicago. They have “street newspaper venders” in Chicago. Hint: buy one or they’ll spit on you. Kidding. Just kidding. And you can take the train in Chicago, so you’ll feel right at home. Only they call it the El. That’s because... well, you don’t need to know all that.
9. If you MUST choose to land in New York, don’t ask directions to Chicago. They won’t have a clue. Anything west of the Hudson is just blurry fiction to them. They won’t understand you anyway. And you DAMN sure won’t understand THEM.
10. The Golden Gate Bridge is not in Chicago.
11. It is unlikely you will meet President Obama during your visit. I know. Bummer.
12. If in New York, resist the temptation to talk about cricket with the person standing in line next to you. If in New York, resist the temptation to talk to the person standing in line next to you.
13. Two words: Gray Line.
14. Choice Hotels. Alamo Car Rentals.
15. Everything is farther than you thought it would be. Except in Massachusetts and like that.
Actually, I don’t know why more Brits don’t visit here. It really isn’t that bad. (Not to steal the New Jersey license plate state slogan: “Not as Bad as You’ve Heard”.) I recommend visiting in the spring or fall. Unless you are visiting Miami, then July is the best time.
If you see a cop behind you with his red lights on, don’t pull over right away, because it may not be you he wants to pull over. Take your time and be sure. A mile or so. Then stop on the shoulder, wait for him to get out and approach you, then move ahead 100 yards or so. This is a courtesy unique to America, and they will appreciate it. You may be sure. Never let them see your hands as they approach your car. Bend down sideways in your seat if possible. Then sit up straight quickly. And I hope you are lucky enough to get to play, too. It will be something for you to talk about when you get home.
---------
If you REALLY have serious questions, I promise to answer seriously. Just ask. Otherwise I don’t know what real advice to give you. I know I wouldn’t have the foggiest idea of what to do if I visited the UK. I’ve heard you are not all that keen on guns but beyond that, I’m not sure. And you use passports and stuff, right?
Update: Contrary to the picture at the top of this post, there is no bridge to the U.S.A. I mean not from where YOU are. At least I don't think there is.
Update #2: I was lying kidding when I told you not to go visit ex-pat blogs. They know a LOT more about America than Americans ever will.
__________________
Sincerely,
Kevin
**************************************************
Kevin A. Kirby, DPM
Adjunct Associate Professor
Department of Applied Biomechanics
California School of Podiatric Medicine at Samuel Merritt College
Letter to America
You will promptly learn the true meaning of the word scrum "dog"; never bring a stab vest to an urban gun fight! 
Linear Mode
