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An interesting fact

Manure : In the 16th and 17th centuries, everything had to be transported by ship and it was also before the invention of commercial fertilizers, so large shipments of manure were quite common.

It was shipped dry, because in dry form it weighed a lot less than when wet, but once water (at sea) hit it, not only did it become heavier, but the process of fermentation began again, of which a by product is methane gas of course. As the stuff was stored below decks in bundles you can see what could (and did) happen. Methane began to build up below decks and the first time someone came below at night with a lantern, BOOOOM!




Several ships were destroyed in this manner before it was determined just what was happening.
After that, the bundles of manure were always stamped with the instruction ' Stow high in transit ' on them, which meant for the sailors to stow it high enough off the lower decks so that any water that came into the hold would not touch this volatile cargo and start the production of methane.


Thus evolved the term ' S.H.I.T ', (Stow High In Transit) which has come down through the centuries and is in use to this very day.

You probably didn't know the true history of this word.

Neither did I.

I had always thought it was a golfing term.


Cheers
D

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"Political Correctness" is a doctrine, fostered by a delusional, illogical minority, and rabidly promoted by an unscrupulous mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it is entirely possible to pick up a turd by the clean end

Keep this in mind the next time you are about to repeat a rumour or spread gossip.
In ancient Greece (469 - 399 BC), Socrates was widely lauded for his wisdom.
One day an acquaintance ran up to him excitedly and said, "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about Diogenes?"
"Wait a moment," Socrates replied, "Before you tell me I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called the Triple Filter Test."
'Triple filter?" asked the acquaintance.
"That's right," Socrates continued, "Before you talk to me about Diogenes let's take a moment to filter what you're going to say.. The first filter is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?"
"No," the man said, "Actually I just heard about it.."
"All right," said Socrates, "So you don't really know if it's true or not. Now let's try the second filter, the filter of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about Diogenes something good?"
"No, on the contrary..."
"So," Socrates continued, "You want to tell me something about Diogenes that may be bad, even though you're not certain it's true?"
The man shrugged, a little embarrassed. Socrates continued, "You may still pass the test though, because there is a third filter, the filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about Diogenes going to be useful to me?"
"No, not really."
"Well," concluded Socrates, "If what you want to tell me is neither True nor Good nor even useful, why tell it to me or anyone at all?"
The man was bewildered and ashamed. This is an example of why Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem.
It also explains why Socrates never found out that Diogenes was shagging his wife.

Cheers
D

__________________
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"Political Correctness" is a doctrine, fostered by a delusional, illogical minority, and rabidly promoted by an unscrupulous mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it is entirely possible to pick up a turd by the clean end

Here is a chicken recipe that includes the use of popcorn as a stuffing - imagine that!
When I found this recipe, I thought it was perfect for people like me, who are just never sure how to tell when poultry is thoroughly cooked, but not dried out.
Give this a try.

BAKED STUFFED CHICKEN
1 medium size chicken
1 cup melted butter
1 cup pre made stuffing mix
1 cup uncooked popcorn
Salt/pepper to taste


Preheat oven to 350 degrees.
Brush chicken well with melted butter, salt, and pepper.
Fill cavity with stuffing and popcorn (mixed together).
Place in baking pan with the neck end toward the back of the oven.
Listen for the popping sounds.

When the chicken's arse blows the oven door off and the chicken flies across the room, it is done

And you thought I couldn't cook.

Cheers
D

__________________
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"Political Correctness" is a doctrine, fostered by a delusional, illogical minority, and rabidly promoted by an unscrupulous mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it is entirely possible to pick up a turd by the clean end

The "Wellie Boots" (Rubber Boots)

(Anyone who has ever dressed a child will love this one!)

Did you hear about the Pre-School teacher who was helping one of the children put on his "Wellie boots"?
He asked for help and she could see why.
Even with her pulling and him pushing, the little "Wellies" still didn't want to go on. By the time they got the second "Wellie" on, she had worked up a sweat. She almost cried when the little boy said, "Miss, they're on the wrong feet." She looked, and sure enough, they were. It wasn't any easier pulling the "Wellies" off than it was putting them on. She managed to keep her cool as together they worked to get the "Wellies" back on, this time on the right feet. He then announced, "These aren't my Wellies."
She bit her tongue rather than get right in his face and scream, 'Why didn't you say so?' like she wanted to. Once again, she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting "Wellies" off his little feet. No sooner had they gotten the "Wellies" off when he said, "They're my brother's "Wellies", My mom made me wear 'them.'

Now she didn't know if she should laugh or cry. But, she mustered up what grace and courage she had left to wrestle the "Wellies" on his feet again.

Helping him into his coat, she asked, "Now, where are your gloves?"

He said, "I stuffed 'them in the toes of my Wellies".

She will be eligible for parole in three years!

Cheers
D

__________________
My location

http://www.surreyfootcare.co.uk

"Political Correctness" is a doctrine, fostered by a delusional, illogical minority, and rabidly promoted by an unscrupulous mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it is entirely possible to pick up a turd by the clean end

Subject: New Laws
>
>
>
> For those who haven't heard,
>
> Washington State just passed two new laws - gay marriage and legalized
> marijuana.
>
> The fact that gay marriage and marijuana were legalized on the same day
> makes perfect biblical sense because Leviticus 20:13 says:
>
> "If a man lies with another man they should be stoned."
>
> We just hadn't interpreted it correctly.
>
Cheers
D

__________________
My location

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"Political Correctness" is a doctrine, fostered by a delusional, illogical minority, and rabidly promoted by an unscrupulous mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it is entirely possible to pick up a turd by the clean end

Church Ladies With Typewriters




\They're Back! Those wonderful Church Bulletins! Thank God for church ladies with typewriters. These sentences actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services:


The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
--------------------------


The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the Water.'The sermon tonight:'Searching for Jesus.'
--------------------------


Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
--------------------------


Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
--------------------------


Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,' giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
--------------------------


For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
--------------------------


Next Thursday there will be try-outs for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
--------------------------


Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
--------------------------


A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow..
--------------------------


At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice.
--------------------------


Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
--------------------------


Scouts are saving aluminium cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
--------------------------


Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered..
--------------------------


The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.
--------------------------


Pot-luck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.
--------------------------


The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
--------------------------


This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
--------------------------


The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
--------------------------


Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM . Please use the back door.
--------------------------


The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM .. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
--------------------------


Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
--------------------------


The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new campaign slogan last Sunday: 'I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours.

Cheers
D

__________________
My location

http://www.surreyfootcare.co.uk

"Political Correctness" is a doctrine, fostered by a delusional, illogical minority, and rabidly promoted by an unscrupulous mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it is entirely possible to pick up a turd by the clean end

WIFE:
What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?


HUSBAND:

Definitely not!


WIFE:

Why not - don't you like being married?


HUSBAND:

Of course I do.


WIFE:

Then why wouldn't you remarry?


HUSBAND:

Okay, I'd get married again.


WIFE:

You would? (With a hurtful look on her face).


HUSBAND:

(Makes audible groan).


WIFE:

Would you live in our house?


HUSBAND:

Sure, it's a great house.


WIFE:

Would you sleep with her in our bed?


HUSBAND:

Where else would we sleep?


WIFE:

Would you let her drive my car?


HUSBAND:

Probably, it is almost new.


WIFE:

Would you replace my pictures with hers?


HUSBAND:

That would seem like the proper thing to do.


WIFE:

Would she use my golf clubs?


HUSBAND:

No, she's left-handed.


WIFE:
- silence - -


HUSBAND:
F **k....


Cheers
D

__________________
My location

http://www.surreyfootcare.co.uk

"Political Correctness" is a doctrine, fostered by a delusional, illogical minority, and rabidly promoted by an unscrupulous mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it is entirely possible to pick up a turd by the clean end

I think it is just terrible and disgusting how everyone has treated Lance Armstrong,
Especially after what he achieved winning 7 Tour de France races on drugs.
When I was on drugs, I couldn't even find my bike.

__________________
LIBERAL small 'l' AND PROUD"

This Guy has a sense of humour

Worth a look




http://millmore.posterous.com/yeoman...ower-of-london

Cheers
D

__________________
My location

http://www.surreyfootcare.co.uk

"Political Correctness" is a doctrine, fostered by a delusional, illogical minority, and rabidly promoted by an unscrupulous mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it is entirely possible to pick up a turd by the clean end

Subject: Woman Of 65



A 65 year old woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital.



While on the operating table she had a near death experience.. Seeing God she asked "Is my time up?"



God said, "No, you have another 33 years, 2 months and 8 days to live."



Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck.



She even had someone come in and change her hair color and brighten her teeth! Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it.



After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.



Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 33 years? Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the ambulance?"



(You'll love this)

















God replied: " I didn't recognize you."

Cheers
D

__________________
My location

http://www.surreyfootcare.co.uk

"Political Correctness" is a doctrine, fostered by a delusional, illogical minority, and rabidly promoted by an unscrupulous mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it is entirely possible to pick up a turd by the clean end

......
1. She was in the bathroom, putting on her makeup, under the watchful eyes of her young granddaughter, as she'd done many times before. After she applied her lipstick and started to leave, the little one said, "But Grandma, you forgot to kiss the toilet paper good-bye!" I will probably never put lipstick on again without thinking about kissing the toilet paper good-bye.

2. My young grandson called the other day to wish me Happy Birthday. He asked me how old I was, and I told him, 80. My grandson was quiet for a moment, and then he asked, "Did you start at 1?"

3. After putting her grandchildren to bed, a grandmother changed into old slacks and a droopy blouse and proceeded to wash her hair. As she heard the children getting more and more rambunctious, her patience grew thin. Finally, she threw a towel around her head and stormed into their room, putting them back to bed with stern warnings. As she left the room, she heard the three-year-old say with a trembling voice, "Who was THAT?"

4. A grandmother was telling her little granddaughter what her own childhood was like. "We used to skate outside on a pond. I had a swing made from a tyre; it hung from a tree in our front garden. We rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries in the woods." The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this all in. At last she said, "I sure wish I'd gotten to know you sooner!"

5. My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, "Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?" I mentally polished my halo and I said, "No, how are we alike?'' "You're both old," he replied.

6. A little girl was diligently pounding away on her grandfather's word processor. She told him she was writing a story. "What's it about?" he asked. "I don't know," she replied. "I can't read."

7. I didn't know if my granddaughter had learned her colours yet, so I decided to test her. I would point out something and ask what colour it was. She would tell me and was always correct. It was fun for me, so I continued. At last, she headed for the door, saying, "Grandma, I think you should try to figure out some of these colours yourself!"

8. When my grandson Billy and I entered our vacation cabin, we kept the lights off until we were inside to keep from attracting pesky insects. Still, a few fireflies followed us in. Noticing them before I did, Billy whispered, "It's no use Grandpa. Now the mosquitoes are coming after us with flashlights."

9. When my grandson asked me how old I was, I teasingly replied, "I'm not sure." "Look in your underwear, Grandpa," he advised." Mine says I'm 4 to 6."

10. A second grader came home from school and said to her grandmother, "Grandma, guess what? We learned how to make babies today." The grandmother, more than a little surprised, tried to keep her cool. "That's interesting," she said. "How do you make babies?" "It's simple," replied the girl. "You just change 'y' to 'i' and add 'es'."

11. Children's Logic: "Give me a sentence about a public servant," said a teacher. The small boy wrote: "The fireman came down the ladder pregnant." The teacher took the lad aside to correct him. "Don't you know what pregnant means?" she asked. "Sure," said the young boy confidently. It means carrying a child."

12. A grandfather was delivering his grandchildren to their home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children started discussing the dog's duties. "They use him to keep crowds back," said one child. "No," said another. "He's just for good luck. A third child brought the argument to a close. "They use the dogs," she said firmly, "to find the fire hydrants."

13. A 6-year-old was asked where his grandma lived. "Oh," he said, "she lives at the airport, and when we want her, we just go get her. Then, when we're done having her visit, we take her back to the airport."

14. Grandpa is the smartest man on earth! He teaches me good things, but I don't get to see him enough to get as smart as him!

15. My Grandparents are funny, when they bend over, you hear gas leaks and they blame their dog.





Life may not be the party we hoped for but while we're here, we might as well dance.
Save the Earth, it's the only planet with Chocolate.

Cheers
D

__________________
My location

http://www.surreyfootcare.co.uk

"Political Correctness" is a doctrine, fostered by a delusional, illogical minority, and rabidly promoted by an unscrupulous mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it is entirely possible to pick up a turd by the clean end

On a train from London to Manchester , an Australian was berating the Englishman sitting across from him in the compartment.
"You English are too stuffy. You set yourselves apart too much. You think your stiff upper lip makes you above the rest of us. Look at me... I'm ME! I have Italian blood, Greek blood, a little Irish blood, and some Aborigine blood...
What do you say to that ?"

The Englishman replied, "Awfully sporting of your mother, old chap!" .....

Cheers
D

__________________
My location

http://www.surreyfootcare.co.uk

"Political Correctness" is a doctrine, fostered by a delusional, illogical minority, and rabidly promoted by an unscrupulous mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it is entirely possible to pick up a turd by the clean end

Mother and her young inquisitive son were flying Singapore Airlines from Singapore to New York.
The son (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and asked, 'If dogs have baby dogs and cats have baby cats, why don't planes have baby planes???? '
The mother (who couldn't think of an answer) told her son to ask the pretty flight attendant. So the boy dutifully asked the flight attendant, 'If dogs have baby dogs and cats have baby cats, why don't planes have baby planes?'

The flight attendant responded, 'Did your mother tell you to ask me that?' The little boy admitted that she did.


Well, then, tell your mother that there are no baby planes because Singapore Airlines always pulls out on time.

Now, let your mother explain that to you.'!!!


Cheers
D

__________________
My location

http://www.surreyfootcare.co.uk

"Political Correctness" is a doctrine, fostered by a delusional, illogical minority, and rabidly promoted by an unscrupulous mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it is entirely possible to pick up a turd by the clean end

Whether
Conservative, Liberal
or
Labour , I think
you'll get
a kick out of
this!


A little boy goes to his
dad and asks, 'What is Politics?'

Dad says, 'Well son, let
me try to explain it this way:

I am the head of the
family, so call me The Prime Minister..

Your mother is the
administrator of the money, so we call her the Government


We are here to take care
of your needs, so we will call you the People.
The nanny, we will
consider her the Working Class.

And your baby brother,
we will call him the Future.

Now think about that and
see if it makes sense.'

So the little boy goes
off to bed thinking about what Dad has said.

Later that night, he
hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him.


He finds that the baby
has severely soiled his nappy.

So the little boy goes
to his parent's room and finds his mother asleep.

Not wanting to wake her,
he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny..

He gives up and goes back to bed.

The next morning, the
little boy say's to his father, 'Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now. '

The father says, 'Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all
about.'

The little boy replies,


'The Prime Minister is screwing the Working Class while the
Government is sound asleep. The People are being ignored and
the Future is in deep s**t.'

Cheers
D

__________________
My location

http://www.surreyfootcare.co.uk

"Political Correctness" is a doctrine, fostered by a delusional, illogical minority, and rabidly promoted by an unscrupulous mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it is entirely possible to pick up a turd by the clean end

Just received this, don't know if it's been posted before...funny stuff.
============================================

These are sentences exactly as typed by medical secretaries in NHS Greater Glasgow


1. The patient has no previous history of suicide.

2. Patient has left her white blood cells at another hospital.

3. Patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with
only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.
4. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was
very hot in bed last night.

5. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a
year.

6. On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it
disappeared.

7. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to
be depressed.

8. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.

9. Discharge status:- Alive, but without my permission.

10. Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year old male, mentally alert, but
forgetful.

11. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.

12. She is numb from her toes down.

13. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.

14. The skin was moist and dry.

15. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.

16. Patient was alert and unresponsive.

17. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.

18. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life
until she got a divorce.

19. I saw your patient today, who is still under our care for physical
therapy.

20. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.

21. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.

22. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.

23. Skin: somewhat pale, but present.

24. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.

25. Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.

26. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.

27. When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room.

28. The patient was in his usual state of good health until his
airplane ran out of fuel and crashed.

29. Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady
pregnant.

30. She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate
directions in early December.

31.. Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Smith, who felt we should
sit on the abdomen and I agree.

32. The patient was to have a bowel resection.. However, he took a
job as a stock broker instead.

33. By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped, and he
was feeling better.

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.


David Bissonette





After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together.


Sacha Guitry






By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

Socrates





Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them.


Anonymous





The great question... Which I have not been able to answer... Is, "What does a woman want?"


Dumas





I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.

Sigmund Freud





'Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.'


Anonymous





'There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage.'

Sam Kinison





'I've had bad luck with both my wives.

The first one left me, and the second one didn't.'


James Holt McGavra





Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming

1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it,

2. Whenever you're right, shut up.


Patrick Murra





The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once....


Nash





You know what I did before I married?

Anything I wanted to.

Anonymous





My wife and I were happy for twenty years.

Then we met.


Henny Youngman






A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.


Rodney Dangerfield





A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: 'Wife wanted'. Next day he received a hundred letters.

They all said the same thing: 'You can have mine.'

Anonymous





First Guy (proudly): 'My wife's an angel!'

Second Guy: 'You're lucky, mine's still alive.'


Anonymous


Cheers
D

__________________
My location

http://www.surreyfootcare.co.uk

"Political Correctness" is a doctrine, fostered by a delusional, illogical minority, and rabidly promoted by an unscrupulous mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it is entirely possible to pick up a turd by the clean end

SIMPLE TRUTH 1

Lovers help each other undress before sex.

However after sex, they always dress on their own.

Moral of the story: In life, no one helps you once you're screwed.


SIMPLE TRUTH 2

When a lady is pregnant, all her friends touch the stomach and say, "Congrats".

But, none of them come and touch the man's penis and say, "Good job".

Moral of the story: "Hard work is never appreciated."


FIVE RULES TO REMEMBER IN LIFE

1. Money cannot buy happiness, but it's more comfortable to cry in a Corvette than on a bicycle.

2. Forgive your enemy, but remember the ass-hole's name.

3. If you help someone when they're in trouble, they will remember you when they're in trouble again.

4. Many people are alive only because it's illegal to shoot them.

5. Alcohol does not solve any problems, but then neither does milk.

Bonus: Condoms don't guarantee safe sex. A friend of mine was wearing one, when he
was shot by the woman's husband


Cheers
D

__________________
My location

http://www.surreyfootcare.co.uk

"Political Correctness" is a doctrine, fostered by a delusional, illogical minority, and rabidly promoted by an unscrupulous mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it is entirely possible to pick up a turd by the clean end