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NHS TODAY
The phone rings and the lady of the house answers,
"Hello."
"Mrs. Sanders, please."
"Speaking"
"Mrs. Sanders, this is Doctor Jones at Farnham Hospital .
When your husband's doctor sent his biopsy to the lab last week, a biopsy from another Mr. Sanders arrived as well. We are now uncertain which one belongs to your husband. Frankly, either way the results are not too good."
"What do you mean?" Mrs. Sanders asks nervously.
"Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's and the
other one tested positive for HIV. We can't tell which is which."
"That's dreadful! Can you do the test again?" questioned Mrs. Sanders.
"Normally we can, but the NHS will only pay for these expensive tests once."
"Well, what am I supposed to do now?"
"The NHS Helpdesk recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him."
"Political Correctness" is a doctrine, fostered by a delusional, illogical minority, and rabidly promoted by an unscrupulous mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it is entirely possible to pick up a turd by the clean end
Health & Safety and Equality Considerations for Christmas Songs
The Rocking Song
Little Jesus, sweetly sleep, do not stir;
We will lend a coat of fur,
We will rock you, rock you, rock you,
We will rock you, rock you, rock you:
Fur is no longer appropriate wear for small infants, both due to risk of allergy to animal fur, and for ethical reasons. Therefore faux fur, a cellular blanket or perhaps micro-fleece material should be considered a suitable alternative.
Please note, only persons who have been subject to a Criminal Records Bureau check and have enhanced clearance will be permitted to rock baby Jesus. Persons must carry their CRB disclosure with them at all times and be prepared to provide three forms of identification before rocking commences.
Jingle Bells
Dashing through the snow
In a one horse open sleigh
O'er the fields we go
Laughing all the way
A risk assessment must be submitted before an open sleigh is considered safe for members of the public to travel on. The risk assessment must also consider whether it is appropriate to use only one horse for such a venture, particularly if passengers are of larger proportions.. Please note, permission must be gained from landowners before entering their fields. To avoid offending those not participating in celebrations, we would request that laughter is moderate only and not loud enough to be considered a noise nuisance.
While Shepherds Watched
While shepherds watched
Their flocks by night
All seated on the ground
The angel of the Lord came down
And glory shone around
The union of Shepherd's has complained that it breaches health and safety regulations to insist that shepherds watch their flocks without appropriate seating arrangements being provided, therefore benches, stools and orthopaedic chairs are now available. Shepherds have also requested that due to the inclement weather conditions at this time of year that they should watch their flocks via cctv cameras from centrally heated shepherd observation huts. Please note, the angel of the lord is reminded that before shining his / her glory all around she / he must ascertain that all shepherds have been issued with glasses capable of filtering out the harmful effects of UVA, UVB and the overwhelming effects of Glory.
Rudolph the red nosed reindeer
Rudolph, the red-nosed reindeer
had a very shiny nose.
And if you ever saw him,
you would even say it glows.
You are advised that under the Equal Opportunities for All policy, it is inappropriate for persons to make comment with regard to the ruddiness of any part of Mr. R. Reindeer. Further to this, exclusion of Mr R Reindeer from the Reindeer Games will be considered discriminatory and disciplinary action will be taken against those found guilty of this offence. A full investigation will be implemented and sanctions - including suspension on full pay - will be considered whilst this investigation takes place.
Little Donkey
Little donkey, little donkey on the dusty road
Got to keep on plodding onwards with your precious load
The RSPCA have issued strict guidelines with regard to how heavy a load that a donkey of small stature is permitted to carry, also included in the guidelines is guidance regarding how often to feed the donkey and how many rest breaks are required over a four hour plodding period. Please note that due to the increased risk of pollution from the dusty road, Mary and Joseph are required to wear face masks to prevent inhalation of any airborne particles. The donkey has expressed his discomfort at being labelled 'little' and would prefer just to be simply referred to as Mr. Donkey.. To comment upon his height or lack thereof may be considered an infringement of his equine rights.
We Three Kings
We three kings of Orient are
Bearing gifts we traverse afar
Field and fountain, moor and mountain
Following yonder star
Whilst the gift of gold is still considered acceptable - as it may be redeemed at a later date through such organisations as 'cash for gold' etc, gifts of frankincense and myrrh are not appropriate due to the potential risk of oils and fragrances causing allergic reactions. A suggested gift alternative would be to make a donation to a worthy cause in the recipients name or perhaps give a gift voucher.
We would not advise that the traversing kings rely on navigation by stars in order to reach their destinations and suggest the use of RAC routefinder or satellite navigation, which will provide the quickest route and advice regarding fuel consumption. Please note as per the guidelines from the RSPCA for Mr Donkey, the camels carrying the three kings of Orient will require regular food and rest breaks. Face masks for the three kings are also advisable due to the likelihood of dust from the camels hooves.
Away in a Manger No Crib for a bed
- This is definitely one for Social Services
"Political Correctness" is a doctrine, fostered by a delusional, illogical minority, and rabidly promoted by an unscrupulous mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it is entirely possible to pick up a turd by the clean end
The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to DTT For This Useful Post:
Catfoot (7th February 2011),
twirly (19th December 2010)
Here's one to cheer up our colleagues in Queensland:
Ponting's wife telephoned him during one of the recent test matches. The 'phone was answered by Hussey who said "he's just gone out to bat, if you hang on a minute he'll be able to take your call".
Pommie Bastard Bill
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Did you hear about the fat, alcoholic transvestite – All he wanted to do was eat, drink and be Mary
Got an e-mail today from a bored local housewife 43 who was looking for some hot action! So I sent her my ironing. That’ll keep her busy.
I got invited to a party and was told to dress to kill. Apparently a turban, beard and a backpack wasn’t what they had in mind.
Paddy says to Mick, Christmas is on Friday this year. Mick said Let’s hope it’s not the 13th then.
My mate just hired an Eastern European cleaner, took her 5 hours to hoover the house. Turns out she was a Slovak
A prostitute told me I could have sex for £10 as she didn’t have a womb. I asked how we would do it then and she said Acwos the woad against the wailings…
I just found some naked photos of Miss Piggy floating in Kermit’s pond. Looks like frog’s porn to me.
Tampax have announced today that they will be replacing the string on tampons with tinsel. This will be just for the Christmas period.
Came home today to find all my doors and windows smashed in and everything gone What sort of sick person does that to someone’s advent calendar…
I’ve been charged with murder for killing a man with sandpaper. To be honest I only intended to rough him up a bit.
A lad comes home from school and excitedly tells his dad that he had a part in the school play and he was playing a man who had been married for 25 years. The dad says, Never mind son maybe next year you’ll get a speaking part.
Sometimes you just can’t win. I thought I’d be a gentleman and hold the door open for the young lady. 2 minutes late she said, Will you go away and shut the toilet door!!
Just had my water bill of £175 drop on my mat, that's a lot Oxfam can supply a whole African village for just £2 a month, time to change supplier I think.
My missus says I’m immature and we should set aside a day so that we can talk… Like that’s gonna happen in the middle of conker season.
I just met a man with strange hobby, he collects empty bottles. Sounds much nicer than alcoholic.
"Political Correctness" is a doctrine, fostered by a delusional, illogical minority, and rabidly promoted by an unscrupulous mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it is entirely possible to pick up a turd by the clean end
The Following User Says Thank You to DTT For This Useful Post:
"Political Correctness" is a doctrine, fostered by a delusional, illogical minority, and rabidly promoted by an unscrupulous mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it is entirely possible to pick up a turd by the clean end
The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to DTT For This Useful Post:
"Political Correctness" is a doctrine, fostered by a delusional, illogical minority, and rabidly promoted by an unscrupulous mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it is entirely possible to pick up a turd by the clean end
The Following User Says Thank You to DTT For This Useful Post:
"Political Correctness" is a doctrine, fostered by a delusional, illogical minority, and rabidly promoted by an unscrupulous mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it is entirely possible to pick up a turd by the clean end
You must always make sure that you get through to the right department before you kick off.
A man checks into a hotel in Blackpool, England, while on a business trip and was a bit lonely. He thought of one of those girls you see advertised in phone booths when you're calling for a cab. He popped into a phone booth near the hotel and found an ad for a girl calling herself Erogonique, a lovely girl, bending over in the photo. She had all the right curves in all the right places, beautiful long wavy hair, long graceful legs......
Well, you get the picture! He copied the phone number and returned to his hotel.
When back in the room he figures, what the hell, give her a call.
'Hello', the woman says.
God, she sounded sexy.
'Hi, I hear you give a great massage and I'd like you to come to my room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hard, I want it hot, and I want it now. Bring implements, toys, rubber, leather, whips, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. Tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything you want! Now, how does that sound?'
She says, 'That sounds fantastic, but you need to press 9 for an outside line.'
"Political Correctness" is a doctrine, fostered by a delusional, illogical minority, and rabidly promoted by an unscrupulous mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it is entirely possible to pick up a turd by the clean end
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I was at my bank today; there was a short line.
There was just one lady in front of me, an Asian lady who was
trying to exchange yen for dollars.
It was obvious she was a little irritated . . . She asked the
teller, "Why it change? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla fo yen. Today I
only get hunat eighty? Why it change?"
The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, "Fluctuations."
The Asian lady says, "Fluc you white people too"
"Political Correctness" is a doctrine, fostered by a delusional, illogical minority, and rabidly promoted by an unscrupulous mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it is entirely possible to pick up a turd by the clean end
But DTT went to Thailand a few years ago and after a glorious 9 days of sun, sea, sand and other things, he unfortunately developed a rash which caused him a good deal of concern. He went to the local hospital where the Accident and Emergency Houseman assured him that all would be well with the application of penicillin cream. In the next room a gorgeous young nurse proceeded to massage the afflicted part of his anatomy with the aforesaid cream. " Do not wully" she said, "It not unusual for man to get election when having cleam rubbed in ". " But" replied Del (who was pretty worried about his condition), " I haven't got an erection". " No" replied the nurse, "but I hlave!"
All the best
Bill
PS sexist, racist, homophobic and a gross insult to a chaste, moral and saintly colleague. Beat that!
The Following User Says Thank You to W J Liggins For This Useful Post:
But DTT went to Thailand a few years ago and after a glorious 9 days of sun, sea, sand and other things, he unfortunately developed a rash which caused him a good deal of concern. He went to the local hospital where the Accident and Emergency Houseman assured him that all would be well with the application of penicillin cream. In the next room a gorgeous young nurse proceeded to massage the afflicted part of his anatomy with the aforesaid cream. " Do not wully" she said, "It not unusual for man to get election when having cleam rubbed in ". " But" replied Del (who was pretty worried about his condition), " I haven't got an erection". " No" replied the nurse, "but I hlave!"
All the best
Bill
PS sexist, racist, homophobic and a gross insult to a chaste, moral and saintly colleague. Beat that!
Yeah , but I never recognised you in that nurses uniform did I Bill ??
"Political Correctness" is a doctrine, fostered by a delusional, illogical minority, and rabidly promoted by an unscrupulous mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it is entirely possible to pick up a turd by the clean end
"Political Correctness" is a doctrine, fostered by a delusional, illogical minority, and rabidly promoted by an unscrupulous mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it is entirely possible to pick up a turd by the clean end
As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral Director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Kentucky back country.
As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn't stop for directions.
I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch.
I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.
The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before for this homeless man.
And as I played 'Amazing Grace,' the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.
As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I never seen nothin' like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."
Apparently I'm still lost.... it's a man thing.
________________________________________
"Political Correctness" is a doctrine, fostered by a delusional, illogical minority, and rabidly promoted by an unscrupulous mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it is entirely possible to pick up a turd by the clean end
A young boy comes down for breakfast. Since they live on a farm, his Mother asks if he has done his chores.
"Not yet," said the little boy.
His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores.
Well, he's a little ticked off so when he feeds the chickens, he kicks a chicken.
When he feeds the cows, he kicks a cow.
When he feeds the pigs, he kicks a pig.
He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.
How come I don't get any eggs and bacon, and why don't I have any milk in my cereal?" he asks.
Well," his mother says, "I saw you kick a chicken, So you don't get any eggs for a week.
I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon for a week either.
I saw you kick the cow so for a week you aren't getting any milk."
Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat halfway across the kitchen.
The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says,
"You gonna tell him or should I?"
"Political Correctness" is a doctrine, fostered by a delusional, illogical minority, and rabidly promoted by an unscrupulous mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it is entirely possible to pick up a turd by the clean end
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> JUST A TAP
> A passenger in a taxi leaned over to ask the driver a question and
> gently tapped him on the shoulder to get his attention.
> The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove
> up over the curb and stopped just inches from a large plate glass
> window.
> For a few moments everything was silent in the cab.
> Then, the still shaking driver said, "Are you OK? I'm so sorry, but
> you scared the daylights out of me."
> The badly shaken passenger apologized to the driver and said he
> didn't realize that a mere tap on the shoulder would startle the
> driver so badly.
> The driver replied, "No, no, I'm the one who is sorry, it's entirely
> my fault today is my very first day driving a cab.
> I've been driving a hearse for 25 years.
"Political Correctness" is a doctrine, fostered by a delusional, illogical minority, and rabidly promoted by an unscrupulous mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it is entirely possible to pick up a turd by the clean end
What, you ask, is 'Butt dust'? Read on and you'll discover the joy in it! These have to be original and genuine. No adult is this creative!!
JACK (age 3)
was watching his Mom breast-feeding his new baby sister... After a while he asked: 'Mom why have you got two? Is one for hot and one for cold milk?'
MELANIE (age 5)
asked her Granny how old she was.. Granny replied she was so old she didn't remember any more. Melanie said, 'If you don't remember you must look in the back of your panties. Mine say five to six.'
STEVEN (age 3)
hugged and kissed his Mom good night 'I love you so much that when you die I'm going to bury you outside my bedroom window.'
BRITTANY (age 4)
had an ear ache and wanted a pain killer. She tried in vain to take the lid off the bottle. Seeing her frustration, her Mom explained it was a child-proof cap and she'd have to open it for her. Eyes wide with wonder, the little girl asked: 'How does it know it's me?'
SUSAN (age 4)
was drinking juice when she got the hiccups. 'Please don't give me this juice again,' she said, 'It makes my teeth cough..'
DJ (age 4)
stepped onto the bathroom scale and asked: 'How much do I cost?'
CLINTON (age 5) was in his bedroom looking worried when his Mom asked what was troubling him, he replied, 'I don't know what'll happen with this bed when I get married. How will my wife fit in it?'
MARC (age 4) was engrossed in a young couple that were hugging and kissing in a restaurant. Without taking his eyes off them, he asked his dad: 'Why is he whispering in her mouth?'
TAMMY(age 4) was with her mother when they met an elderly, rather wrinkled woman her Mom knew. Tammy looked at her for a while and then asked, 'Why doesn't your skin fit your face?'
JAMES (age 4)was listening to a Bible story. His dad read: 'The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city but his wife looked back and was turned to salt.' Concerned, James asked: 'What happened to the flea?'
The Sermon I think this Mom will never forget...
This particular Sunday sermon....'Dear Lord,' the minister began, with arms extended toward heaven and a rapturous look on his upturned face. 'Without you, we are but dust...' He would have continued but at that moment my very obedient daughter who was listening leaned over to me and asked quite audibly in her shrill little four year old girl voice, 'Mom, what is butt dust?'
Make sure you pass this one on and spread the smiles...
"Political Correctness" is a doctrine, fostered by a delusional, illogical minority, and rabidly promoted by an unscrupulous mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it is entirely possible to pick up a turd by the clean end
Alaska is famous for it's small intimate gatherings.
Tom had been in business for 25 years. Finally sick of the stress, he quits
his job and buys 50 acres of land in Alaska as far from humanity as
possible. He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month.
Otherwise it's total peace and quiet
After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his
door. He opens it and a huge, bearded man is standing there.
'Name's Cliff, your neighbour from forty miles up the road. Having a
Christmas party Friday night. Thought you might like to come at about 5:00.'
'Great', says Tom, 'after six months out here I'm ready to meet some local
folks Thank you.'
As Cliff is leaving, he stops. 'Gotta warn you. Be some drinking.'
'Not a problem,' says Tom. 'After 25 years in the business, I can drink with
the best of 'em.'
Again, the big man starts to leave and stops. 'More 'n' likely gonna' be some
fighting' too.'
'Well, I get along with people, I'll be all right! I'll be there. Thanks again.'
'More'n likely be some wild sex, too.'
'Now that's really not a problem,' says Tom, warming to the idea. 'I've
been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there. By the way, what should I wear?'
'Don't much matter. Just gonna' be the two of us.'
"Political Correctness" is a doctrine, fostered by a delusional, illogical minority, and rabidly promoted by an unscrupulous mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it is entirely possible to pick up a turd by the clean end
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Getting Married
Jack, age 92, and Gill , age 89, living in Auckland , are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding, and on the way they pass a chemist shop and Jack suggests they go in.
Jack addresses the man behind the counter:
"Are you the owner?"
The pharmacist answers, "Yes."
Jack: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?"
Pharmacist: "Of course we do."
Jack: "How about medicine for circulation?"
Pharmacist: "All kinds "
Jack: "Medicine for rheumatism?"
Pharmacist: "Definitely."
Jack: "How about suppositories?"
Pharmacist: "You bet!"
Jack: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, and Alzheimer's?"
Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety. The works.."
Jack: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, antidotes for Parkinson's disease?"
Pharmacist: "Absolutely.."
Jack: "Everything for heartburn and indigestion?"
Pharmacist: "We sure do..."
Jack: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers and canes?"
Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes."
Jack: "Adult incontinence pants?"
Pharmacist: "Sure."
Jack: "Then we'd like to use this store for our wedding presents list..."
"Political Correctness" is a doctrine, fostered by a delusional, illogical minority, and rabidly promoted by an unscrupulous mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it is entirely possible to pick up a turd by the clean end
A farmer goes out to his field one morning only to find all of his Cows
frozen solid.
As far as the eye can see are cows, motionless like statues.
It had been a bitterly cold night, but he'd never thought anything like
this would happen.
The realisation of the situation then dawned on him.
With his entire livestock gone, how would he make ends meet? How would
he feed his wife and kids? How would he pay the mortgage?
He sat with his head in his hands, trying to come to terms with his
impending poverty.
Just then, an elderly woman walked by, "What's the matter?" asked the
old lady.
The farmer gestured toward the frozen cows and explained his predicament
to the woman.
Without hesitation the old woman smiled and began to rub one of the cows
noses. After a few seconds the cow began to twitch and was soon back to
normal and chewing the cud.
One by one, the old woman defrosted the cows until the whole field was
full of healthy animals.
The farmer was delighted and asked the woman what she wanted as a
repayment for her deed.
She declined his offer and walked off across the field.
A passer-by who had witnessed the whole thing approached the farmer.
"You know who that was don't you?" asked the passer-by.
"No" said the farmer "who?"*
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scroll down
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it's worth it.....trust me
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"That was Thora Hird."
__________________
"Thousands of years ago, cats were worshipped as gods. Cats have never forgotten this."
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