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hey mr russell sir, i just got the "potato clock" one............
Heading in the right direction man. What you need now is a vacation in Samoa...
A man boarded an aircraft at London's Heathrow Airport and, taking his seat as he settled in, he noticed a very beautiful woman boarding the plane.
He realised she was heading straight toward his seat and bingo! she took the seat right beside him.
Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurted out, "Business trip or vacation?"
She turned, smiled enchantingly and said, "Business. I'm going to the annual nymphomaniac convention in Western Samoa."
He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs!
Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?"
"Lecturer," she responded. "I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."
"Really", he smiled, "what myths are those?"
"Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well endowed when, in fact, it's the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Greek descent. We have also found that the best potential lovers in all categories are the Scots."
Suddenly the woman became uncomfortable and blushed.
"I'm sorry," she said. "I really shouldn't be discussing this with you,I don't even know your name!"
"Tonto," the man said. "Tonto Papadopoulos, but my friends call me Hamish."
A vacationing penguin is driving through Arizona when he notices that the oil-pressure light is on. He gets out to look and sees oil dripping out of the motor. He drives to the nearest town and stops at the first gas station.
After dropping the car off, the penguin goes for a walk around town. He sees an ice-cream shop and, being a penguin in Arizona, decides that something cold would really hit the spot. He gets a big bowl of vanilla ice cream and sits down to eat. Having no hands, he makes a real mess trying to eat with his little flippers.
After finishing his ice cream, he goes back to the gas station and asks the mechanic if he's found the problem. The mechanic looks up and says, "It looks like you blew a seal."
"No, no," the penguin replies, "It's just ice cream."
A Doctor was addressing a large audience:
"The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have, or will, eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?"
After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, "Wedding cake."
Old folks home and this randy old guy has been eyeing the crone in the nextdoor wheelchair. 'Well,' he says eventually, "How about it then?"
'You've got to be joking!' she replies, "At my age? I don't think so!"
But after a while she realises that she's feeling quite flattered that anyone is still taking an interest.
"Well," she says, "tell you what, you stretch your blanket over both our wheelchairs, and I'll just hold your member for you underneath it."
Any port in a storm, thinks the old guy and they have this somewhat limited relationship for several months - until one day she sees him down by the pond with his blanket stretched over the wheelchair of another old girl. Divots of turf fly as her wheelchair screeches to a stop beside them.
"What's she got that I haven't got?" she demands.
A tour bus full of senior citizens is driving down the motorway. Suddenly the driver feels a tap on his shoulder. When he turns around, there's a little old lady offering him a handful of shelled peanuts. He gratefully accepts.
Fifteen minutes later, she taps him on the shoulder again and hands him more peanuts. She repeats this gesture eight times. The ninth time he asks her why they aren't eating the peanuts themselves. She tells him it just isn't possible. They can't chew them with their old teeth.
"So, ... why do you buy them?" he asks puzzled.
The old lady replies, "Because we just love the chocolate around them"
A clergyman in Britain is walking down the beach when the Clouds part and God appears
"MY SON" he booms"you have been my good and true servant for many years. I wish to reward you. Ask whatever you wish and i shall reward you"
The clergyman thinks for a minute and eventually replies
"well i do have to visit The US quite often and i hate flying. Could you build be me a moterway bridge from here to America?"
There is a pause
"MY Son are you certain? this would require many billions of tons of concrete, pillars driven miles into the ocean trench, steel for girders, all would know it was a miricle!. Is there anything a little less obvious and ostentatious?"
The clergyman thinks for a second
"Well there is one other thing. I've been married for 28 years and i still don't truly understand my wife. Why she laughs why she cries and what it is i've done to make her angry. Could you fix things so that i understand what is happening in her head?"
There is a pause, then a sigh.
"Did you want that bridge with 4 lanes or 6?"
A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5;00 AM for an early morning business flight.
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper,
"Please wake me at 5:00 AM." He left it where he knew she would find it. The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said "It is 5:00 AM Wake up".
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws"
CREATION
A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautifull at the same time.
"The wife responded, Allow me to explain.......God made me beautifull so you would be attracted to me, God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you.
WOMENS REVENGE
"Cash, cheque or charge?," I asked, after folding items the women wished to purchase.
As she fumbled in her wallet I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse. "So do you always carry your remote?" I asked. "No" she replied, " but my husband refused to come shopping with me, and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally."
A bloke is in a queue at the Super Market when he notices that the rather attractive blonde behind him has just raised her hand and smiled and mouthed hello to him. He is rather taken aback that such a looker would be waving to him, and although familiar he can't place where he might know her from, so he says:
"Sorry, do you know me?"
"I maybe mistaken, but I thought you might be the father of one of my children!" She replies.
His mind shoots back to the one and only time he has been unfaithful,
"Christ!" he says "are you that stripogram on my stag night that I shagged on the snooker table in front of all my mates whilst your mate whipped me with some wet celery and stuck a cucumber up my backside?
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"No" she replies, "I'm your son's English Teacher"
I visit a residential home where they are all ladies, then a gentleman arrived, who is aged 90, but very sprightly, and handsome for his age.
Since his arrival the ladies have been having their hair done more often, wear their best clothes, and pile on the make up. They fight to play bridge with him
He loves all the attention, but on my last visit, he was not very happy..........
He said " I have some bad news" I said what news, he said, very bad news shaking his head.......
He told me another man had joined them, I said "oh dear," he said " well he is 94.....'.
I said," that's alright then, no competition for you..."
He said very thoughtfully, adjusting his bright pink bow-tie "Well I don't know about that , he's still got plenty of tread in his tyres.
God is having a chat with adam in eden.
"i've decided you need a companion. I'm going to call her a "woman". In her i shall perfect the work i started with you. She will be beautiful bright, cheerful fabulously intelligent and hard working. She will have a higher pain threshold than you, be stronger than you and braver than you. Best of all she will obey you without question and be utterly devoted to you."
Adam thought this sounded great.
"ok i'll get started" said God. "all i'll need from you is one of your ribs, one of your kidney's, half your liver, one testicle, one finger from each hand and all the teeth in the top half of your mouth."
I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.
FOR EXAMPLE: One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed.
Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."
I said "WHAT??!! What was that?!"
So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear... "You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man." She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?"
Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.
The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said lets get a pair for each outfit. We went onto the jewellery department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you...she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when
she doesn't even know how to play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey." She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, "I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier."
I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel like it."
Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled "WHAT?"
I then said "honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman." And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"
A worldwide survey was conducted by the UN. The only question asked was: "Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"
The survey was a huge failure.
In Africa they didn't know what 'food' meant.
In India they didn't know what 'honest' meant.
In Europe they didn't know what 'shortage' meant.
In China they didn't know what 'opinion' meant.
In the Middle East they didn't know what 'solution' meant.
In South America they didn't know what 'please' meant,
and in the USA they didn't know what 'the rest of the world' meant.
A South African gold miner is involved in a nasty accident which results in him having a leg amputated. While a mate is visiting him in hospital he says "You know, I'm knackered now. Who's going to want a one-legged gold-digger?"
His mate replies, "Well, you could always ask Paul McCartney."
Two Welsh hill farmers were chatting when, in the distance, they saw a walker bend down, cup his hand, scoop up water from a stream and drink it.
“Peidiwch yfed y dwr. Mae'r defaid wedi pisio ynddo," (Don’t drink the water, the sheep have been pissing in it) shouted one of the farmers, but the man took another handful and drank.
“Peidiwch yfed y dwr. Mae'r defaid wedi pisio ynddo”, shouted the farmer louder, but the man carried on drinking.
So the farmer ran down to the man and said again: “Peidiwch yfed y dwr. Mae'r defaid wedi pisio ynddo”
“I say old boy” said the walker “I can’t understand a bloody word you’re saying. Don’t you speak English around here?”
The farmer said “Yes, I was just saying that if you use your other hand as well, you’ll get more in, see!”
One day, JANE met TARZAN in the jungle. She was very attracted to him and during her questions about his life she asked him how he engaged to have sex.
"What's that?" he asked.
She explained to him what sex was and he said, "Oh, I use a hole in the trunk of a tree."
Horrified, she said, " Tarzan, you have it all wrong but I will show you how to do it properly." She took off her clothes, lay down on the ground and spread her legs. "Here," she said, "you must put it in here."
Tarzan removed his loincloth, stepped closer and then gave her an almighty kick in the crotch. Jane rolled around in agony. Eventually she managed to gasp, "What the hell did you do that for?"
"Just checking for bees," said Tarzan
Rio Ferdinand has been ruled out of England's Euro 2008 qualifier against Andorra on Saturday. Manager Steve McClaren confirmed on Friday that Ferdinand has not recovered from his toe injury.
McClaren said: "He is continuing his rehabilitation, and he's back running. We're hoping he will be available for Wednesday against Macedonia.
"Michael Dawson and Wes Brown could step into the role and we've got every confidence in them toe do that."
McLaren was talking at a Q&A session with journalists ahead of the qualifying game.
Q: Why aren't the England football team allowed to own a dog?
A: Because they can't hold on to a lead.
Q: What's the difference between the England team and a tea-bag?
A: The tea-bag stays in the cup longer.
Q: Why do the English make better lovers than the Portuguese/Germans?
A: Because English are the only one's who can stay on top for 45 minutes and still come second!
Q: What is common between a 3-pin plug and the England football team?
A: They are both useless in Europe!
Q: What's the difference between O J Simpson and England?
A: O J Simpson had a more credible defence
Q. What's the difference between English fans and a jet engine?
A. A jet engine eventually stops whining.
Q. What's the difference between a dead dog on the road and a dead English football fan on the road?
A. There are skid marks in front of the dog.
Q. What do English football fans and sperm have in common?
A. One in 3,000,000 has a chance of becoming a human being.
Q. If you see an English football fan on a bicycle, why should you never swerve to hit him?
A. It could be your bicycle.
Remember it takes a college degree to fly a plane, but only a high school diploma to fix one. Reassurance for those of us who fly routinely in our jobs and those of us who fly just once and occasionally.
After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet," which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas' pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.
By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an accident.
P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what friction locks are for.
P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.
P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.
And the best one for last!
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.
The Glasgow Herald's Style Invitational once again asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supplying a new definition.
Here are this year's winners:
1. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.
2. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
3. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.
4. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.
5. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.
6. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
7. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.
8. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
9. Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.
10. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)
11. Karmageddon: "It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer".
12. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.
13. Glibido: All talk and no action.
14. Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
15. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.
16. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
17. Caterpallor (n.): The colour you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you're eating. And the pick of the bunch:
18. Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an asshole.
Once again, The Herald has published the winning submissions to its yearly contest, in which readers are asked to supply new meanings for common words.
The winners are:
1. Coffee (n.), the person upon whom one coughs.
2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.
3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.
5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent.
6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightgown.
7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.
8. Gargoyle (n.), olive-flavored mouthwash.
9. Flatulence (n.) emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.
10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.
11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.
12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified ! bearing adopted by proctologists.
13. Pokemon (n), a Rastafarian proctologist.
14. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.
15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), The belief that, when you die, your Soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.
16. Circumvent (n.), an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.
An Irishman in a wheelchair rolled into a restaurant one afternoon and asked the waitress for a cup of coffee. Looking around, the Irishman thought he saw Jesus sitting at another table. He asked the waitress, "Is that Jesus sitting over there?" The waitress nodded, so the Irishman told her to give Jesus a cup of coffee on him.
Not much later, an Englishman with a hunched back came in. He shuffled over to a booth, painfully sat down, and asked the waitress for a cup of hot tea. He also glanced across the restaurant, thought he saw Jesus, and asked the waitress "Is that Jesus?" The waitress nodded again, so the Englishman asked her to give Jesus a cup of hot tea on his ticket.
A bit later a Glaswegian came in on crutches. He hobbled over to a booth, sat down and yelled, "Awright darlin'. Gies a gless of Coke, widye!" He, too, looked across the restaurant and asked, "Izthat no' God's boy ower there?"
The waitress once more nodded, so the radge told her to give Jesus a cold glass of Coke, too. "An' put it oan mah tab."
As Jesus got up to leave, he passed by the Irishman, touched him and said, "For your kindness, you are healed." The Irishman felt the strength come back into his legs, got up, and danced a jig out the door.
Jesus then passed by the Englishman, touched him and said, "For your kindness, you too are healed." The Englishman felt his back straightening up, and he raised his hands and praised the Lord while doing a series of back flips out the door.
Then Jesus walked towards the Glaswegian. But the radge jumped up and backed away yelling, "Get away ya bassa... ah'm oan disability!"
You know you're living in the 21st century when...
1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.
2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.
3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.
4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.
5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses.
6. You go home after a long day at work and you still answer the phone in a business manner.
7. You make phone calls from home and you accidentally dial "9" to get an outside line.
8. You've sat at the same desk for four years and worked for three different companies.
10. You learn about your redundancy by text.
11. Your boss doesn't have the ability to do your job.
12. You pull up in your own driveway and use your mobile to see if anyone is home.
13. Every commercial on television has a website at the bottom of the
screen.
14. Leaving the house without your mobile, which you didn't have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it.
15. You get up in the morning and go online before getting your coffee.
16. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. :)
17. You're reading this and nodding and laughing.
18. Even worse, you know exactly who you will send this to.
19. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.
20. You actually looked back to check that there wasn't a #9 on this list!
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