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hey mr russell sir, i just got the "potato clock" one............
Heading in the right direction man. What you need now is a vacation in Samoa...
A man boarded an aircraft at London's Heathrow Airport and, taking his seat as he settled in, he noticed a very beautiful woman boarding the plane.
He realised she was heading straight toward his seat and bingo! she took the seat right beside him.
Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurted out, "Business trip or vacation?"
She turned, smiled enchantingly and said, "Business. I'm going to the annual nymphomaniac convention in Western Samoa."
He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs!
Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?"
"Lecturer," she responded. "I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."
"Really", he smiled, "what myths are those?"
"Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well endowed when, in fact, it's the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Greek descent. We have also found that the best potential lovers in all categories are the Scots."
Suddenly the woman became uncomfortable and blushed.
"I'm sorry," she said. "I really shouldn't be discussing this with you,I don't even know your name!"
"Tonto," the man said. "Tonto Papadopoulos, but my friends call me Hamish."
A vacationing penguin is driving through Arizona when he notices that the oil-pressure light is on. He gets out to look and sees oil dripping out of the motor. He drives to the nearest town and stops at the first gas station.
After dropping the car off, the penguin goes for a walk around town. He sees an ice-cream shop and, being a penguin in Arizona, decides that something cold would really hit the spot. He gets a big bowl of vanilla ice cream and sits down to eat. Having no hands, he makes a real mess trying to eat with his little flippers.
After finishing his ice cream, he goes back to the gas station and asks the mechanic if he's found the problem. The mechanic looks up and says, "It looks like you blew a seal."
"No, no," the penguin replies, "It's just ice cream."
A Doctor was addressing a large audience:
"The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have, or will, eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?"
After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, "Wedding cake."
Old folks home and this randy old guy has been eyeing the crone in the nextdoor wheelchair. 'Well,' he says eventually, "How about it then?"
'You've got to be joking!' she replies, "At my age? I don't think so!"
But after a while she realises that she's feeling quite flattered that anyone is still taking an interest.
"Well," she says, "tell you what, you stretch your blanket over both our wheelchairs, and I'll just hold your member for you underneath it."
Any port in a storm, thinks the old guy and they have this somewhat limited relationship for several months - until one day she sees him down by the pond with his blanket stretched over the wheelchair of another old girl. Divots of turf fly as her wheelchair screeches to a stop beside them.
"What's she got that I haven't got?" she demands.
A tour bus full of senior citizens is driving down the motorway. Suddenly the driver feels a tap on his shoulder. When he turns around, there's a little old lady offering him a handful of shelled peanuts. He gratefully accepts.
Fifteen minutes later, she taps him on the shoulder again and hands him more peanuts. She repeats this gesture eight times. The ninth time he asks her why they aren't eating the peanuts themselves. She tells him it just isn't possible. They can't chew them with their old teeth.
"So, ... why do you buy them?" he asks puzzled.
The old lady replies, "Because we just love the chocolate around them"
A clergyman in Britain is walking down the beach when the Clouds part and God appears
"MY SON" he booms"you have been my good and true servant for many years. I wish to reward you. Ask whatever you wish and i shall reward you"
The clergyman thinks for a minute and eventually replies
"well i do have to visit The US quite often and i hate flying. Could you build be me a moterway bridge from here to America?"
There is a pause
"MY Son are you certain? this would require many billions of tons of concrete, pillars driven miles into the ocean trench, steel for girders, all would know it was a miricle!. Is there anything a little less obvious and ostentatious?"
The clergyman thinks for a second
"Well there is one other thing. I've been married for 28 years and i still don't truly understand my wife. Why she laughs why she cries and what it is i've done to make her angry. Could you fix things so that i understand what is happening in her head?"
There is a pause, then a sigh.
"Did you want that bridge with 4 lanes or 6?"
A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5;00 AM for an early morning business flight.
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper,
"Please wake me at 5:00 AM." He left it where he knew she would find it. The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said "It is 5:00 AM Wake up".
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws"
A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautifull at the same time.
"The wife responded, Allow me to explain.......God made me beautifull so you would be attracted to me, God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you.
"Cash, cheque or charge?," I asked, after folding items the women wished to purchase.
As she fumbled in her wallet I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse. "So do you always carry your remote?" I asked. "No" she replied, " but my husband refused to come shopping with me, and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally."
A bloke is in a queue at the Super Market when he notices that the rather attractive blonde behind him has just raised her hand and smiled and mouthed hello to him. He is rather taken aback that such a looker would be waving to him, and although familiar he can't place where he might know her from, so he says:
"Sorry, do you know me?"
"I maybe mistaken, but I thought you might be the father of one of my children!" She replies.
His mind shoots back to the one and only time he has been unfaithful,
"Christ!" he says "are you that stripogram on my stag night that I shagged on the snooker table in front of all my mates whilst your mate whipped me with some wet celery and stuck a cucumber up my backside?
"No" she replies, "I'm your son's English Teacher"
God is having a chat with adam in eden.
"i've decided you need a companion. I'm going to call her a "woman". In her i shall perfect the work i started with you. She will be beautiful bright, cheerful fabulously intelligent and hard working. She will have a higher pain threshold than you, be stronger than you and braver than you. Best of all she will obey you without question and be utterly devoted to you."
Adam thought this sounded great.
"ok i'll get started" said God. "all i'll need from you is one of your ribs, one of your kidney's, half your liver, one testicle, one finger from each hand and all the teeth in the top half of your mouth."
I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.
FOR EXAMPLE: One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed.
Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."
I said "WHAT??!! What was that?!"
So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear... "You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man." She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?"
Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.
The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said lets get a pair for each outfit. We went onto the jewellery department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you...she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when
she doesn't even know how to play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey." She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, "I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier."
I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel like it."
Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled "WHAT?"
I then said "honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman." And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"
A worldwide survey was conducted by the UN. The only question asked was: "Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"
The survey was a huge failure.
In Africa they didn't know what 'food' meant.
In India they didn't know what 'honest' meant.
In Europe they didn't know what 'shortage' meant.
In China they didn't know what 'opinion' meant.
In the Middle East they didn't know what 'solution' meant.
In South America they didn't know what 'please' meant,
and in the USA they didn't know what 'the rest of the world' meant.
A South African gold miner is involved in a nasty accident which results in him having a leg amputated. While a mate is visiting him in hospital he says "You know, I'm knackered now. Who's going to want a one-legged gold-digger?"
His mate replies, "Well, you could always ask Paul McCartney."
One day, JANE met TARZAN in the jungle. She was very attracted to him and during her questions about his life she asked him how he engaged to have sex.
"What's that?" he asked.
She explained to him what sex was and he said, "Oh, I use a hole in the trunk of a tree."
Horrified, she said, " Tarzan, you have it all wrong but I will show you how to do it properly." She took off her clothes, lay down on the ground and spread her legs. "Here," she said, "you must put it in here."
Tarzan removed his loincloth, stepped closer and then gave her an almighty kick in the crotch. Jane rolled around in agony. Eventually she managed to gasp, "What the hell did you do that for?"
"Just checking for bees," said Tarzan
Remember it takes a college degree to fly a plane, but only a high school diploma to fix one. Reassurance for those of us who fly routinely in our jobs and those of us who fly just once and occasionally.
After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet," which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas' pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.
By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an accident.
P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what friction locks are for.
P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.
P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.
And the best one for last!
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.
An Irishman in a wheelchair rolled into a restaurant one afternoon and asked the waitress for a cup of coffee. Looking around, the Irishman thought he saw Jesus sitting at another table. He asked the waitress, "Is that Jesus sitting over there?" The waitress nodded, so the Irishman told her to give Jesus a cup of coffee on him.
Not much later, an Englishman with a hunched back came in. He shuffled over to a booth, painfully sat down, and asked the waitress for a cup of hot tea. He also glanced across the restaurant, thought he saw Jesus, and asked the waitress "Is that Jesus?" The waitress nodded again, so the Englishman asked her to give Jesus a cup of hot tea on his ticket.
A bit later a Glaswegian came in on crutches. He hobbled over to a booth, sat down and yelled, "Awright darlin'. Gies a gless of Coke, widye!" He, too, looked across the restaurant and asked, "Izthat no' God's boy ower there?"
The waitress once more nodded, so the radge told her to give Jesus a cold glass of Coke, too. "An' put it oan mah tab."
As Jesus got up to leave, he passed by the Irishman, touched him and said, "For your kindness, you are healed." The Irishman felt the strength come back into his legs, got up, and danced a jig out the door.
Jesus then passed by the Englishman, touched him and said, "For your kindness, you too are healed." The Englishman felt his back straightening up, and he raised his hands and praised the Lord while doing a series of back flips out the door.
Then Jesus walked towards the Glaswegian. But the radge jumped up and backed away yelling, "Get away ya bassa... ah'm oan disability!"