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Bush and bin Laden decided to settle the war once and for all. They sat down and agreed to settle the whole dispute with a single dog fight. They'd have five years to breed the best fighting dog in the world and whichever side's dog won would be entitled to dominate the world.
So bin Laden found the biggest, meanest Doberman and Rottweiler bitches in the world. He had them bred them with the fiercest Siberian wolves that could be found. Then he selected only the biggest and strongest puppies from the litters and removed their siblings, to give them all their mothers' milk.
After five years, he came up with the biggest, fiercest dog the world had ever seen. Its cage needed steel bars that were 5" thick and nobody could get near it.
When the day came for the dog fight, Bush showed up with a strange-looking animal. It looked like a 9-foot long Dachshund and wasn't more than a foot above the ground anywhere. Everyone felt sorry for Bush because it was obvious there was no way his dog could last even 10 seconds with the vicious Afghan beast.
When the cages were opened, the Dachshund came out of its cage and slowly waddled towards bin Laden's dog. Bin Laden's dog snarled and leaped out of its cage and charged at the American Dachshund. But when it got close enough to bite, the Dachshund opened its mouth and consumed bin Laden's dog in a single bite.
There was nothing left of Osama's dog at all.
Bin Laden came up to Bush, shaking his head in disbelief. "We don't understand how this could have happened! We had our best people working for five years with the meanest Dobermans and Rottweilers and the biggest and fiercest Siberian wolves."
"That's nothing," Bush replied. "We had Michael Jackson's plastic surgeons working every minute of those five years to make that alligator look like a dachshund."
One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts. He'd toss a peanut into the air, then catch it in his mouth. In the middle of one tosses, his wife asked him a question and he turned to answer her. The peanut fell into his ear.
He tried and tried to dig it out but only succeeded in pushing it in deeper. He called his wife for assistance but, after hours of trying, they both became worried and decided to go to hospital. As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home with her date.
After hearing about the problem, the daughter's beau said he could get the peanut out. The young man told the father to sit down, then he shoved two fingers up the father's nose and told him to blow as hard as he could.
When the father blew, the peanut flew out. The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy. The young man insisted that it was nothing as the daughter led him out to the kitchen for something to eat.
Once he was gone the mother turned to the father and said, "That's so wonderful! Isn't he smart? What do you think he's going to be when he grows older?"
"From the smell of his fingers, I suspect he'll be our son in-law!"
A radio station in Australia ran a phone-in competition to find the most
embarrassing moment in listener's lives. The final four were
4 th Place.
"While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release
some pent-up energy and started to run amuck.
I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust
and annoyance from other patrons.
I told her that if she didn't start behaving I would smack her.
She ooked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, 'If
you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma I saw you kissing
Daddy's willie last night.'
After this enlightening exchange,the silence was deafening.
Even the tellers stopped what they were doing.
I mustered the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank, with my
daughter in tow.
The last thing I heard as the door closed behind me were screams of
It was the day before my 18th birthday.
I was living at home, but my parents had gone out for the evening, so I
invited my girlfriend over for a romantic night alone.
As we lay in bed after making love, we heard the telephone ringing
I suggested to my girlfriend that I give her a piggy-back ride down to
Since we didn't want to miss the call,we didn't have time to get
When we got to the bottom of the stairs,the lights suddenly came on as a
whole crowd of people yelled SURPRISE'.
My entire family - parents, the relo's as well as my friends, were
My girlfriend and I were frozen on the spot in a state of shock and
embarrassment for what seemed like an eternity
Since then, no one in my family has planned any surprise parties.
A lady picked up several items at a discount store.
When she finally got up to the checkout, she learned that one of the
items had no price tag.
The checkout girl got on the public address system, which boomed out
across the store for everyone to hear, "Price check for Tampax
Then it Got worse.
Someone at the rear of the store apparently misunderstood the word
Tampax' for 'Thumbtacks', a guy, his voice booming over the same public
address system: "Do you want the kind you push in with your thumb or the
kind you belt in with a hammer?"
1st Place. And the winner is . . .
This happened at a major Australian University During a biology lecture
a professor was discussing the high glucose levels found in semen.
A young woman raised her hand and asked, "If I understand you
correctly, you are saying there is as much glucose in male semen as in
The professor responded, "yes, that's correct", adding some statistical
data to his lecture.
Raising her hand again, the girl asked, "Then why doesn't it taste
After a stunned silence, the whole class burst out laughing.
The poor girl turned bright red, and as she realised exactly what she
hadinadvertently said, she picked up her books, and without another
word, walked out of the class - As she was heading for the door, the
professor's reply was a classic.
Totally straight faced, he answered her question. "It doesn't taste
sweet because the taste-buds for sweetness are on the tip of your tongue
and not in the back of your throat."
Bush Urges Nation To Be Quiet For A Minute While He Tries To Think
August 30, 2006 | Issue 42•35
WASHINGTON, DC—In a nationally televised address Monday, President Bush urged all citizens, regardless of race, creed, color, or political affiliation, "to quiet down for just one minute" so he could have "a chance to think."
"Every American has an inalienable right to free speech and self-expression," Bush said. "Nonetheless, I call upon the American people to hold off on it for, say, 60 seconds. Just long enough for me to get this all sorted out in my head."
"Please," Bush added.
While the president said achieving a unilateral peace and quiet "would not be easy," he hoped that citizens would respect his wish and work toward a temporary cease-talk so that he could can hear his own thoughts "for once."
"Make no mistake: It will take patience and sacrifice," Bush said. "But such drastic measures could lead to a better tomorrow for all of us, especially for your commander in chief."
Bush then closed his speech by exhaling sharply, tightly closing his eyes, and massaging his temples. "I just—Christ, I just need a goddamn minute, you know?" he said.
The presidential call for national silence came as little surprise following weeks of rumors from White House sources that Bush appeared increasingly distracted and wearied by the ever-pervasive noise. Excerpts from an unedited videotaped meeting made public last Thursday revealed a frustrated Bush rhetorically asking Turkish Prime Minister Recep Erdogan how "the leader of the free world was supposed to get any work done around here with all this volume."
Assuring the public it "can make as much noise as [it] wants" as soon as the Bush-proposed national minute of silence concludes, Chief Of Staff Josh Bolten said that the White House was making "every effort" to accommodate Bush's wishes.
"Currently, the president's calls are being bounced back to the West Wing call center, and all televisions and radios on White House property have been switched off," said Bolten, who added that staffers moved Bush family dog Barney from the Oval Office after Bush called the Scottish terrier's heavy panting "intolerable."
Several world leaders, including British Prime Minister Tony Blair and Chinese President Hu Jintao, reacted to Bush's speech by openly wondering if Bush's request pertained to them.
"I think he meant everyone, allies or not," Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice said. "So, please, whether you are the prime minister of India or the German chancellor, try to tone it down. Also, if you are an Iraqi insurgent, a leader of Hezbollah, a member of al-Qaeda, or a general enemy of the U.S., hush."
Bush's plea was backed by leading Republicans, who urged their constituents to comply with the president's request to "be quiet for seriously, like, two seconds."
"In these trying times for our president, we must show respect for his office, even if it means turning our car radios down, shushing our children, and turning off all fans," Sen. Rick Santorum (R-PA) said. "Heck, the man just needs one measly minute."
Capitol Hill Democrats, however, have criticized Bush's call for silence, with House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi (D-CA) calling it "yet another example of Bush's inability to connect with everyday Americans, many of whom rarely, if ever, receive a moment to themselves."
"Where's their moment to think?" Pelosi said.
While Bush deemed the attempts at quiet "helpful and encouraging," he called for "literally one more second" of complete silence, saying he was "very close to getting it together and almost had it" before being interrupted by the sound of a car alarm moments ago.
The doctor said, "Bill, the good news is I can cure your headaches.
>>>the bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very
>>>rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine and
>>>the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the
>>> pressure is to remove the testicles."
>>>Bill was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to
>>>live for. He had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the
>>>hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years,
>>>but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself.
>>>As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a
>>>different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life. He
>>>saw a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need... a new
>>>He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit."
>>>The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see... size 44
>>>Bill laughed, "That's right, how did you know?" "Been in the business
>>>60 years!" the tailor said.
>>>Bill tried on the suit. It fit perfectly. As Bill admired himself
>>>in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?" Bill thought
>>>for a moment and then said, "Sure." The salesman eyed Bill and said,
>>>"Let's see 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck." Bill was surprised, "That's
>>>right, how did you know?" "Been in the business 60 years." Bill tried
>>>on the shirt and it fit perfectly.
Bill walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked,
"How about some new underwear?"
>>>Bill thought for a moment and said, "Sure." The salesman said, "Let's
>>>see.. size 36." Bill laughed, "Ah ha! I got you; I've worn a size
>>>34 since I was 18 years old."
>>>The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. A size 34
>>>would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you
>>>one hell of a headache."
>>>New suit - $400
>>> New shirt - $36
>>> New underwear - $6
>>> Second Opinion - PRICELESS
The Washington Post's Mensa Invitational once again asked readers to take
any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing
one letter, and supply a new definition. Here are the 2005 winners:
>> 1. Cashtration (n): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject
>> financially impotent for an indefinite period.
>> 2. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you
>> realize it was your money to start with.
>> 3. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
>> 4. Bozone (n): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright
>> ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little
>> sign of breaking down in the near future.
>> 5. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
>> 6. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person
>> who doesn't get it.
>> 7. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
>> 8. Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.
>> 9. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease (This one got extra credit.)
>> 10. Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is, like, sending off all
>> these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and
>> it's, like, a serious bummer.
>> 11. Decafalon (n): The grueling event of getting through the day
>> consuming only things that are good for you.
>> 2. Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they
>> come at you rapidly.
>> 13. Arachnoleptic fit (n): The frantic dance you perform just after
>> you've accidentally walked through a spider web.
>> 14. Beelzebug (n): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your
>> bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
>> 15. Caterpallor (n): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the
>> fruit you're eating.
And for LEXOPHILES (Lovers of words):
>> 1. A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.
>> 2. A will is a dead giveaway.
>> 3. Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.
>> 4. A backward poet writes inverse.
>> 5. In a democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism, it's your
>> Count that votes.
>> 6. A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.
>> 7. If you don't pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.
>> 8. With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
>> 9. Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll show you A-flat
>> 10. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
>> 11. The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.
>> 12. A grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in France resulted in Linoleum
>> 13. You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
>> 14. Local Area Network in Australia : The LAN down under.
>> 15. He broke into song because he couldn't find the key.
>> 16. A calendar's days are numbered.
>> 17. A lot of money is tainted: 'Taint yours, and 'taint mine.
>> 18. A boiled egg is hard to beat.
>> 19. He had a photographic memory which was never developed.
>> 20. A plateau is a high form of flattery.
>> 21. The short fortune teller who escaped from prison: a small medium at
>> 22. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
>> 23. When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.
>> 24. If you jump off a Paris bridge, you are in Seine .
>> 25. When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.
>> 26. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
>> 27. Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
>> 28. Acupuncture: a jab well done.
>> 29. Marathon runners with bad shoes suffer the agony of de feet.
According to a news report, a certain private school in Markham, OHIO was
recently faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls were
beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was
fine, but after they put on their lipstick, they would press their lips to
the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints. Every night the maintenance
man would remove them and the next day the girls would put them back.
Several memos were posted about this without effect.
Finally the Principal decided that something had to be done. She called all
the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She
explained that all these lip prints were causing a problem for the
custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night.
To demonstrate how difficult it was to clean the mirrors, she asked the
maintenance man to show the girls just how hard it was.
Following her instructions, the man took out a long-handled squeegee,
solemnly dipped it in the nearest toilet bowl, and scrubbed at the mirror.
There was complete silence in the room. Since then, there have been no lip
prints on the mirror.
And the moral of the story is:
There are Teachers... and then there are Educators
> > An old cowboy sat down at the bar and ordered a drink. As he sat
> > sipping his drink, a young woman sat down next to him.
> > She turned to the cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"
> > He replied, "Well, I've spent my whole life breaking colts, working
> > cows, going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves, bailing hay,
> > doctoring calves, cleaning my barn, fixing flats, working on tractors,
> > and feeding my dogs,so I guess I am a cowboy."
> > She said, "I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As
> > soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I shower, I
> > think about women. When I watch TV, I think about women. I even think
> > about women when I eat. It seems that everything makes me think of
> > women."
> > The two sat sipping in silence.
> > A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy
> > and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"
> > He replied, "I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a
> > lesbian."
On Second thoughts, Did you ever stop and wonder?
> > Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll
> >these pink dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?"
> > Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken there... I'm gonna
> >the next thing that comes outta it's bum."
> > Why do toasters always have a setting so high that could burn the toast
> >to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?
> > Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
> > Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't
> >point to their bum when they ask where the bathroom is?
> > Why does your Obstetrician, Gynaecologist leave the room when you get
> >if they are going to look up there anyway?
> > Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're
> > Can blind people see their dreams? Do they dream??
> > If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests? >
> > If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from
> >then what is baby oil made from?
> > If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
> > Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same
> > Stop singing and read on . . . . . . . . . . .
> > Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?
> > Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at
> >you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the
> > Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?
> > Do you ever wonder why you gave me your e-mail address in the first
Two Arabs are sitting in the window and middle seats on a plane with a Jew sitting next to them in the aisle seat. The Arabs ask the Jew to get them some orange juice so they won't have to crawl over him. While he is up bringing them the juice, they take advantage of his absence to spit in his shoes that he'd left at his seat.
As the plane is about to land, the Jewish guy puts his shoes on again and realises what has happened. So he complains to the Arabs, "When will it all end? The hatred.... the violence? The spit in the shoes... the piss in the orange juice?"
My own short story: Once upon a time orthopaedic surgeon complaints to his fellow collegue: I"m too tired last time, operating since the morning to the darkness! When I fall asleep, I see muself scrubbing my hands in the operation room! Gollegue answers: Get asleep with your operating nurse!
A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult, four-hour, surgical procedure. A young, student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.
"Nurse", he mumbles, from behind the mask. "Are my testicles black?" Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet." He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, are my testicles black?" Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other. Then, she takes a close look and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir!"
The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but, listen very, very closely...... A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k?
In the UK, the Child Support Agency (CSA) is in its death throes and will shortly be replaced by a new government body which will be charged with chasing down absent fathers. During the final audits a number of interesting circulars have been discovered - the following genuine excerpts from the claim form single mothers complete regarding the father's identity....
1. Regarding the identity of the father of my twins, child A was fathered by [name removed]. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of child B, but I believe that he was conceived on the same night.
2. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my child as I was being
sick out of a window when taken unexpectedly from behind. I can provide
you with a list of names of men that I think were at the party if this helps.
3. I do not know the name of the father of my little girl. She was conceived at a party [address and date given] where I had unprotected sex with a man I met that night. I do remember that the sex was so good that I fainted. If you do manage to track down the father can you send me his phone number? Thanks.
4. I don't know the identity of the father of my daughter. He drives a BMW
that now has a hole made by my stiletto in one of the door panels. Perhaps
you can contact BMW service stations in this area and see if he's had it
5. I have never had sex with a man. I am awaiting a letter from the Pope
confirming that my son's conception was immaculate and that he is Christ
6. I cannot tell you the name of child A's dad as he informs me that to do
so would blow his cover and that would have cataclysmic implications for
the British economy. I am torn between doing right by you and right by
the country. Please advise.
7. I do not know who the father of my child was as all squaddies look the
same to me. I can confirm that he was a Royal Green Jacket.
8. [name given] is the father of child A. If you do catch up with him can
you ask him what he did with my AC/DC CDs?
9. From the dates it seems that my daughter was conceived at Euro Disney maybe it really is the Magic Kingdom.
10. So much about that night is a blur. The only thing that I remember for
sure is Delia Smith did a program about eggs earlier in the evening.
If I'd have stayed in and watched more TV rather than going to the party
at [address given], mine might have remained unfertilised.
11. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my baby, after all
when you eat a tin of beans you can't be sure which one made you fart.
12. I am unsure how it all happened, all I remember is that he was huge and
he kept calling me "a lucky lucky bitch".
In the old days the English and Scottish armies used to fight by gathering their armies on top of the hills and at daybreak, they would run down the hillside into the deep gorge below to fight.
One morning at dawn there was a fog (as thick as pea soup) and the two generals decided to refrain from fighting that day. Whilst the two armies were resting a voice, with a Scottish accent came from within the dense fog.
"Any one Scotsman can beat any 10 Englishmen".
With this, the English general sent down 10 of his soldiers. There was a hell of a fight and NO ONE returned. An hour later, the same voice was heard.
"Any one Scotsman can beat any 50 Englishman".
With this, the English general sent down 50 of his soldiers. The same thing, a terrible fight ensured and again NO ONE returned. An hour later the same voice.
"Any one Scotsman can beat any 100 Englishman".
Same same, down went 100 of the best. NO ONE returned. An hour later.
"Any one Scotsman can beat any 1,000 Englishman".
By this time, the English general had enough and was about to send down his elite soldiers, when he saw a lone Englishman crawling up the hill. He was battered to a pulp. As he reached his general he said, "Don't send any more troops down, its a trap, THERE'S TWO OF THE BASTARDS".
A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question. The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped centimeters from a shop window.
For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, "Look mate, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!" The passenger apologized and said, "I didn't realize that a little tap would scare you so much. "The driver replied, "Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver. I've been driving a funeral van for the last 25 years."
This is allegedly an actual job application that a 70 year old pensioner
submitted to B&Q in Tunbridge Wells.
They hired him because he was so funny.....
NAME: Kenneth Way (Grumpy Bastard)
SEX: Not lately, but I am looking for the right woman (or at least one who
DESIRED POSITION: Company's Chief Executive or Managing Director. But
seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I
wouldn't be applying in the first place - would I?
DESIRED SALARY: £150,,000 a year plus share options and a Tony Blair style
redundancy package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.
LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.
PREVIOUS SALARY: A lot less than I'm worth.
MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and
REASON FOR LEAVING: It was a crap job.
HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.
PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m. Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday, with 2 hours
DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more
MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?
DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP
TO 50 lbs.?:.................. Of what?
DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do
you have a car that runs?"
HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a
winner of the Reader's Digest Timeshare Free Holiday Offer's, so they tell
DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job - no!,,,,,,,,,On my breaks - yes!
WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a
fabulously wealthy Swedish supermodel with big tits and who thinks I'm the
greatest thing since sliced bread................Actually, I'd like to be
doing that now.
NEAREST RELATIVE....7 miles
DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR
KNOWLEDGE?: Oh yes, absolutely.
What do you call a woman with two toilets on her head?
Whats grey and has a trunk?
A mouse going on holiday.
Whats brown and has a trunk?
The same mouse coming back off holiday.
A woodworm goes into a pub and says "is the bartender here?"
A doctor visits a patient in hospital
"i've got some good news and some bad news"
"whats the good news?"
"you've only got 24 hours to live"
"Thats the GOOD news?! thats terrible! whats the bad news?"
"i should have told you yesterday"
I've got a step ladder. It's nice but i'm sad i don't know my real ladder.
President Bush is in the oval office one morning when an aide informs him that 2 Brazilian soldiers have been killed in Iraq.
"Oh Gawd, nooo..." exclaims the President, turning chalky-white and rocking back and forth with his head in his hands.
Eventually his chief of staff asks him what's the matter.
"Tell me again", whispers the President, "Exactly how many is a brazillion?"...